Monday, 29 October 2007

A Diamond As Big As The Ritz

Sam Garrett has submitted a Cat Boat story about the cat A Diamond as Big as the Ritz. thank you, Sam; that shit was ice-cold, man.

here is Sam's story:

A Diamond as Big as the Ritz

Coco and Goodmorning Midnight found A Diamond as Big as the Ritz licking whiskey from the shards of a smashed bottle beneath a ’57 Chevy with whitewall tires and a dented rear fender.

“Shit Diamond, what happened to you?” said Coco.

A Diamond as Big as the Ritz’s fur was slick with sump-oil and his tongue leaked blood from licking glass shards.

“Yeah man, you look like shit,” agreed Goodmorning Midnight.

“Fucking bitches man,” slurred A Diamond as Big as the Ritz and licked his arsehole. Then he turned around and heaved up a viscous grey slick of puke.

They took A Diamond as Big as the Ritz back to their dustbin in the alley behind the strip club. They left him passed out on a pile of pages torn out of Razzle and went out into the alley. Coco found a chicken nugget in a drain and sat gnawing on it. Goodmorning Midnight traded insults with the rats that lived in the bin across the alley.

“Fuck you,” he said.

“Fuck you,” the rats replied.

Goodmorning Midnight licked his arsehole.

“Fucking mayo man,” said Coco and puked in the drain.


Coco and Goodmorning Midnight lay around in the alley watching A Diamond as Big as the Ritz as he paced in a figure of eight.

“Shit man, you’re skinny. When was the last time you ate?” Coco said

A Diamond as Big as the Ritz continued pacing out his mobius strip, thin as a wire.

“Yeah man, you’re thin,” said Goodmorning Midnight.

“I dunno man. A week maybe?” A Diamond as Big as the Ritz stopped pacing and licked his arsehole.

“So what happened man? Last I heard you were tapping that Jackie O,” said Coco.

“Bitch ditched me for some pansy-ass rich cat,” said A Diamond as Big as the Ritz.

“Shit man, she wasn’t nothing but a prissy-pants stuck-up bitch anyhows,” said Coco.

They lay about and watched a daddy rat tear chunks out of a dead pigeon for his rat babies.

“Yeah dude, that’s not the A Diamond as Big as the Ritz we know,” said Goodmorning Midnight. “Beating hisself up over some prissy-pants stuck-up bitch? Gotta man up, man. Grow a pair.” Then he fetched A Diamond as Big as the Ritz the back half of a mouse he’d been saving for later, because A Diamond as Big as the Ritz was sad, and Goodmorning Midnight was his friend.

A Diamond as Big as the Ritz guzzled down the half a mouse until there was just the tip of a mouse tail sticking out of his mouth. Coco and Goodmorning Midnight fell about laughing.

“Shit look like Clint Eastwood man.” Said Coco. “Shit look ice-cold.”


Sometimes when it was a cold night the manager of the strip club let them come into the back room of the strip club. That was good. The strippers made a fuss of them and fed them pieces of Kentucky Fried Chicken. Tonight was cold.

“Bitch got a fine-ass rack,” said Goodmorning Midnight as one of the strippers tickled him under the chin.

They watched Top Cat on an old black and white TV.

“That Top Cat’s one ice-cold motherfucker,” said A Diamond as Big as the Ritz.

“Yeah man,” said Coco.

“Shit’s like Don Corleone,” said Goodmorning Midnight.

If Tom and Jerry or Sylvester and Tweety came on they’d howl until one of the strippers changed the channel or the manager kicked them out.

“That Tom’s a sissy-ass motherfucker,” would say Coco. “I’d kick his pansy ass.”

“Yeah man,” Goodmorning Midnight would say and lick his arsehole.


They walked over to the parking lot behind the Blockbuster and the Burger King and combed the wheelie bins.

“Shit man, check this out,” said Coco, dragging an old trilby out of one of the bins. He got it down to the ground and righted it. A Diamond as Big as the Ritz sniffed at it.

“Shit stinks of piss man,” he said.

“Nah man, shit’s fly,” said Coco, climbing under the hat and peering out at them from beneath it. “Watcha reckon? Do I look like Bogie?”

“Yeah man, if Bogie was a fucking cat you’d be a dead ringer,” said Goodmorning Midnight.

“Fuck you man,” said Coco.

“Nah fuck you,” said Goodmorning Midnight. They fought.

A Diamond as Big as the Ritz looked out across the parking lot, anaemic tufts of grass pushing through the cracked concrete. He licked his arsehole. Goodmorning Midnight and Coco separated.

“Kicked your ass man,” said Coco.

“Did you fuck. I kicked your ass,” said Goodmorning Midnight.

A Diamond as Big as the Ritz looked up. “Let’s get out of here,” he said.

“Yeah man,” said Coco.


One night they found a dead hooker in a wheelie bin behind the hotel. Her throat had been cut and one of her stiletto heels was missing.

“Maybe we could eat her,” said Goodmorning Midnight.

“Shit’s fucked up,” said A Diamond as Big as the Ritz.

“Yeah man,” said Coco, “Ain’t eating no dead hooker.”

They howled outside the hotel windows until the lights came on and a window opened, then fled into the shadows at the far end of the alley. They watched the police come and put up crime scene tape and take photographs and lift the dead hooker out of the bin and zip her up in a black plastic bag.

“Should we tell em we found her? They might wanna take our statements,” said Coco, who liked to watch episodes of NYPD Blue on the TVs in the windows of the pawnshops downtown.

“What you gonna tell em man? ‘Hi my name’s Mister Coco and meow fucking meow?’” said Goodmorning Midnight.

Coco sighed. “Yeah, I guess you’re right,” he said. They wandered off.

“I say we shoulda eaten her man. I’m fucking starving,” said Goodmorning Midnight.

“Shit’s fucked up,” said A Diamond as Big as the Ritz.


“We should have a name man,” said Coco.

“What, like a gang and shit? Like the Bloods?” said Goodmorning Midnight.

“Yeah man,” said Coco.

A Diamond as Big as the Ritz stopped licking his arsehole and looked up. “What about The Hepcats?” he said. They thought about it.

“The Hepcats. Shit sounds cool,” said Coco.

“Yeah man,” said Goodmorning Midnight.


They walked down to the docks. Goodmorning Midnight had seen an episode of Sylvester and Tweety where Sylvester had found a baby kangaroo in a crate in a dockside warehouse.

“Kangaroo knocked shit out of Sylvester, but I reckon the three of us could take one,” explained Goodmorning Midnight.

“Sylvester’s a pansy-ass motherfucker anyhow,” said Coco.

“Shit’s like the biggest mouse you ever saw,” said Goodmorning Midnight.


In the harbour there was a boat. Cats paced around on the deck. On the side of the ship the words “The Cat Boat” were freshly painted. A fat, rich-looking cat called out to them from the top of the gang plank: “Good morning gentlemen. Coming aboard?”

The Hepcats exchanged glances.

“That’s some crazy-ass shit right there,” said Goodmorning Midnight. The others nodded in agreement.

“Where are you going?” said A Diamond as Big as the Ritz.

“Why, the wide-open seas fellahs,” said the rich-looking cat.

“What’s the wide-open seas?” said Coco.

The rich-looking cat pondered this a moment. “Say, you fellahs know what a swimming pool is?” he asked.

The Hepcats conferred. They turned back to the rich-looking cat and shook their heads. The rich-looking cat pondered it some more.

“Well, you know what a puddle is right?”

They nodded. They knew all about puddles.

“Well, it’s kind of like a very big puddle.”

The Hepcats conferred again.

“Sounds like some jive-ass shit to me,” said Goodmorning Midnight.

“Shit sounds jive,” agreed Coco.

“Well fellas, what you say? Coming aboard?” said the rich-looking cat.

The Hepcats looked around them.

“Well. I guess anywhere’s gotta be better than this dump,” said A Diamond as Big as the Ritz.

“Yeah man,” agreed Coco and Goodmorning Midnight.

The Hepcats ascended the gangplank.


Anonymous said...

shit's tight, man. Fuckin' A.

Blogger said...

I've just downloaded iStripper, so I can watch the best virtual strippers on my desktop.