Tuesday, 30 October 2007

The Story of God

Duncan Cheshire has submitted a Cat Boat story about the cat God. bless you, Duncan.

here is Duncan's story:


The Story of God


Book 1: the beginning

In the beginning there was a fat tabby cat called Martha.

Martha gave birth to a litter of kittens.

One of these kittens was adopted by the vicar’s family who lived next door.

The vicar had two children, a boy and a girl, who, in their contrary and quixotic way, named the mewling kitten ‘God’.

The vicar, an indulgent man, indulged his children.

Secretly, he did not approve, and always referred to God as ‘cat’, both in his thoughts and in public.

This arrangement was fine, and continued for several years.

The vicar’s children found other ways to get under his skin and draw his attention from more practical matters.

God developed the habit of using the vicar’s study chair as a scratching post and weeing in his shoes when the fancy took him.

One day, the vicar confused God the cat with God the religious abstraction in his weekly sermon.

References to ‘cat’s good nature’ and ‘by the grace of cat’, did not go down well with the staid parishioners.

This continued for several weeks.

The parishioners whispered about the vicar, questioning his sanity and faith.

The vicar, aware of what was going on but unable to stop it, became irritable and began to snap at his wife and children and God (both the cat and the religious abstraction).

The children teased their father about taking God’s name in vain.

The vicar’s temper exploded and he kicked God six feet across the room.

The children cried, the vicar’s wife cried, and the vicar was shocked.

God’s backside was bruised and required extra washing to soothe the pain.

The parishioners were unforgiving, and the whispers became gossip and snide comments.

Soon afterwards, God walked out of the vicar’s house on a moonlit night and did not return.

The vicar and his family left the parish.

God watched the vicar leave and felt justified.


Book 2: the journey

God wandered the hedgerows and lanes living off the songbirds of the land.

One evening, God was eating roadkill from the middle of a lane when a car rounded the bend and swerved to avoid him, crashing through a hedge.

God licked his chops and felt blessed.


Book 3: the sea

God’s travels took him to a town by the sea.

God slunk around the docks for six days, fighting the seagulls for scraps.

On the seventh day, God won a sailing ship from a Malaysian merchantman in a game of high-stakes canasta.

Walking on his hind legs, God stalked up the gangplank of the ship, inspected the sails and the rigging and the compartments and decided it was a good thing.

God celebrated by buying a neckerchief and a Christmas pudding.

Tying the neckerchief around his neck, God promenaded through the docks, carrying the Christmas pudding on a silver platter.

The seagulls took this as an invitation to dinner and dive-bombed God and his Christmas pudding until he was forced to abandon it and seek cover in a nearby tavern.

God nursed his scratches with a half-pint of porter and considered his next move.

On the door of the tavern was a sign: “Help wanted”.

God began a leafleting campaign, inundating the bars and shops and meeting places of the town with advertisements for a crew.

The leaflets read: “Help wanted. Must be able-bodied and enjoy the sea. Pudding carrying ability essential. Cats only. No dogs or Benefits.”

God gathered a crew of 23 cats of various sizes, shapes and furriness.

He brought them all together on the deck of the ship and demonstrated the neckerchief and mimed carrying the Christmas Pudding.

The shrieking of the seagulls sent God running for cover.

One of the cats, calling himself the Boss, said he had something that would keep the seagulls away.

The Boss produced a 12” vinyl LP and played it on the ship’s record player.

It was the Tunnel of Love.

God enjoyed the Tunnel of Love, and noticed that the seagulls did stay away, and he decreed (from the safety of his compartment) that it should be played as often as possible.

The 23 cats nodded and made the ‘rock-on’ sign with their front paws.

God surveyed the cats and the sailing ship and felt munificent.