Wednesday, 21 November 2007
come in. sit down. not in that chair, in the other one. this is good advice. listen closely. don't do that thing where you start to listen and then just look at my mouth moving and think about something else and then get me to repeat myself. because i'm only going to say this once. i'm going to say it very quietly too, i'm going to whisper it, so sit forward in the chair, put your mouth near my mouth, yeah like that, like we're about to kiss or something. i'm going to whisper the advice into your mouth and then you're going to close your mouth and not open it again for a very long time. when i'm finished, you're going to get up and go outside and walk down the street. it will be cold and you will pass a child and you're not going to make eye contact with the child. you're going to stick your hands in your pockets. you're going to go to bed. you're going to wake up again. this is going to keep happening. and if you want, sometime, you can whisper this advice to someone else. there's no 'copyright' on it. i didn't make it up. stop being so melodramatic. okay, here it is:
do not expect things to taste good.
do not expect to get to the front of a queue.
do not expect to go to a nightclub and kiss someone.
do not expect to go to work and meet interesting people.
do not put on different combinations of clothes each day and think people will notice or care.
do not say something in a group, then feel disappointed when you're asked to repeat yourself.
do not buy those book from the 3for2 table, randomly, just by the covers, and expect 'greatness'.
do not lie down next to someone, and think 'this is good, i hope this lasts'
if i were you i would:
stop to stroke a cat on the pavement.
take up a hobby (smoking, crystal meth, amateur pornography)
get a broadband connection.
masturbate hundreds of times a day.