Thursday, 20 December 2007

interview with sam pink

sam pink writes this blog. i like it a lot. i decided to interview sam pink to try and find out more about him. i used a special 'interview technique'. i feel a lot clearer about things now.

here is the interview:

who is sam pink?

sam pink is a wobbly old man standing in line at the bank with his wife. his wife is holding his arm because he can't stand too long by himself. his mouth is slack and he stares through a billion pockets of air into more air. a thread of drool leaves his mouth and hits the floor where it reassembles into a more uniform sphere. the drool is clear and if you stand just right, the whole world and all the endless pockets of air look back and say, "what're you doing here?"

who is sam pink?

sam pink is a man holding his son's hand. they are at the train station together. the train comes in with a breath of steam and stops before them. the man turns to his son and smiles. the son does not smile, he just watches. the man opens his mouth and pulls out a caterpillar. the man hands his son the caterpillar and the son eats it, watching his dad the whole time. when he swallows it, a neon blue bruise begins to grow over his face, from the rim of his mouth outwards and soon his whole body is a huge tender bruise. the boy feels unending pain because no matter what he touches, the bruise touches back, and knowing how not to be touched is the greatest of human accomplishments. the dad gets on the train and leaves the boy who has taken to the ground. the boy winces but slowly learns to hide the facial expression that lets the rest of the world know.

who is sam pink?

sam pink is a broken pencil floating in a puddle near the edge of the playground. there is absolutely nothing to say about the pencil. the reasons for its being in the puddle are irrelevant. the playground is irrelevant. but the pencil looks nice in the puddle, half submerged with a wet tip that will never say anything to anybody.

who is sam pink?

sam pink is the steel column of muscle spasm that pulls your throat and chest into a single scared clench.

who is sam pink?

sam pink is the man who showed up to your birthday party, wearing only a black garbage bag over his face and holding an old pillowcase. the rest of his body was covered in marker and he smelled like the steam pulled from the wet ground on a hot day. he reached into his pillowcase and retrieved something. it was a baby bird that had fallen from its nest. the bird was still bald and crooked looking. he stuck three candles into the bird, one in each eye and one in the mouth. he said "make a wish" but he blew out the candles before you could make one. do you think that still counts?

who is sam pink?

sam pink has fallen asleep while eating an array of different foods. once he fell asleep with a fruit roll-up in his hand and when he woke up the fruit roll-up was stuck (resolutely) to his cheek. he tried to pull it off but couldn't so he just sat down and watched the news to find out who had died or who was slowly dying. his girlfriend called and asked how he was. he said "just fine girlfriend." then his girlfriend said "for the last time, i'm your aunt, not your girlfriend. stop calling me that." sam said "ok" and he licked the side of his face and tasted fake fruit. he has also fallen asleep eating raw broccoli and carrots. he was at a party and some girl walked into the kitchen where sam was reading Seventeen Magazine (by the way, this year, certain colors are "in" and some are "out" and i think i'll just stick with wearing a potato sack because that shit's always in). the girl held up a bottle of Jack Daniels and said "woooooooooo" and looked around to see if anyone thought she was cool or something. she turned to sam and said "let's do a shot wooooooooo" sam said "wooo" but it was kind of quiet and sounded less like celebration and more like the wind that blows dirt over your dead dad's gravestone. he took the bottle from her and drank long mouthfuls while sitting at the table eating the bag of vegetables he had found in the fridge. he did not look at the girl again or give her the bottle back. she went to the living room and talked about herself to somebody and i think that somebody went "wooooooo." sam ate the vegetables and drank the whiskey. there was a power-drill plugged in on the kitchen counter and he turned it on and it whirled and screamed. everyone left the kitchen and went to the living room to talk about themselves (like i'm doing here). soon, sam fell asleep on the kitchen table with a mouthful of vegetables. when he woke up, he was alone and stil had a huge clump of extremely dry vegetables filling his upper and lower lip. the girl who owned the house walked into the kitchen and looked at sam and asked "what're you doing here?" sam went to respond but first he had to scoop the cemented vegetables out of his mouth with his forefinger. when he had finished the excavation, he forgot what he was going to say.

who is sam pink?

sam pink is the guy who drew the pentagram on your etch a sketch and then hid it so when you found it, the pentagram was permanent.

who is sam pink?

sam pink is still unsure about what to say when you accidentally walk into someone else using the bathroom stall because they forgot to lock it. and the person is just sitting there and you feel like saying "sorry" but that sounds dumb or how about "hey, i do that too!" or how about "takes one to know one" or "hold still i can't find my camera" or "do you like football?" or "stay silent, i am going to show you the meaning of the color black" or just act like nobody's in there and shit on their lap and walk out feeling like an old song that nobody cares about anymore.

who is sam pink?

sam pink thinks the fact that every human being has to either wipe their own ass or have their ass wiped by someone else on a daily basis should curtail any and all immodesty.


xtx said...


This comment has been removed by the author.
sam pink said...

chris killen, you are capital letter good.

that sam pink guy is the coolest.

i heard he wrote all of shakespeare's plays (excepting the historical ones) and also most of paradise lost and he also made up beowulf after drinking a bunch of cough syrup.

Frank Morgan said...

and I was all like up in his face shouting 'who is kaiser soze? You're asking me who is kaiser soze??'

and he's like 'no man, who is Sam Pink?'

Socrates Adams-Florou said...

worst interview ever. did noone else notice he was just asking the same question over and over again?

apants said...

yeah, lazy lazy lazy. and futile. And filled with shit. And pissed all over by me.

Anonymous said...

Is he really pink? I don't think I could handle it if he was pink! I'm not dealing with this well, am I?

IS he pink or not? Aren't you going to answer me?


albie(yes, him)

Sam Pink said...

who is sam pink?

I am Sam Pink!! :-D

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