please ignore the last post - novel update

i have been redrafting some more. my novel is now just over 1,000,000 words.
it is a sequel to Ash Wednesday by Ethan Hawke. it is about a cat having a dream about Ethan Hawke.
i have sent Ethan Hawke a myspace message. i am waiting for a reply.
(Ethan Hawke, if you're reading this, please reply and let me know that this is an okay new idea for my novel.)

please read my whole novel, which i have just posted below

i finally finished a complete draft of my novel. i have been redrafting it using 'select' and 'delete'. my novel is now six words long:

cat bird moustache Tao Lin vagina

this blog post is an uncorrected proof copy of my novel, not for resale or quotation.

how to write a novel

this is good.

i find the instructor very calming. there should be a version of this for people writing novels. a calm american tells you which words to type, and shows you different typing techniques and things.

word count

i am redrafting my novel. i am doing 1000 words a day. i've promised Canongate a new draft for the end of this month. my novel is now 26,952 words long. i want it to be between 35 and 40,000.

i put some short novels on the table and looked at them for a while to make me feel better. i looked at the size of the font and the size of the border. i looked at Cold Water by Gwendoline Riley, Eeeee Eee Eeee by Tao Lin, An Unfortunate Woman by Richard Brautigan, The Human War by Noah Cicero, and Gold by Dan Rhodes. Cold Water had the biggest font. Eeeee Eee Eeee had the biggest border. An Unfortunate Woman had the least pages. these things calmed me down a bit.

there should be a website somewhere, where you type in the name of a book and it tells you exactly how many words long it is. if anyone has found this website, please post the link as a comment. if anyone knows the exact word length of the above novels somehow, or of other short novels, please post them in the comments. please calm me down and help me redraft my novel.

scotland on sunday

there is an article about me in Scotland on Sunday, about my love of fishing and my New Zealand upbringing and other things.

cat-faced thing tribute

my favourite new object in my flat is this cat-faced thing. it comes from the top of my flatmate's teapot. the cat-faced thing has defeated an LP called 'Tunnel of Love' by Bruce Springsteen and a box of 80 PG Tips teabags in becoming the favourite new object in my flat. good work, cat-faced thing.

top 5 books

gone twelve on a weeknight. you need to be in work tomorrow, but are still inexplicably awake, checking your emails, looking at all the websites you have bookmarked, and there is absolutely nothing new, whatsoever.

you have three choices:

go to sleep.

have a wank.

read my 'top 5 books' on Dogmatika.

this will be the last mention of that dazed and confused article, i promise

still bored? still no new emails? still raining?

3am have just posted the complete text of the dazed and confused article, saving you a trip to the newsagents.

top 5 songs

if you are feeling bored and have already checked your emails 20 times or so today (and there is still nothing), and maybe it's raining outside or something, why not kill 30 seconds reading a list of my 'top 5 songs' over at 3am magazine?

bookseller posts article published in bookseller magazine about selling book

here is an article about my deal with Canongate (from last week's Bookseller magazine).

cat poem

face of cat after abandoned bicycle

the cat climbs onto the abandoned bicycle
and tries to go to sleep on it,
on the back wheel
and partly on the gears

the cat has no idea what an abandoned bicycle is
except that it’s not a comfortable thing to go to sleep on

the cat tries anyway
but can’t do it

it gets up and turns in a circle
then tries again

the cat climbs off the abandoned bicycle
not feeling tired anymore

it is making the face of your dad
that time in the living room.

"Chris Killen uncovers the psychological severity of supermarket boredom"

*dazed and confused update*

the dazed and confused article is now online here. if you do not feel like going into a newsagents and turning to page 233, or if you live somewhere abroad, you can read it online by using a magnifying glass or having really good eyesight. (it is the fifth 'box' down. you will see what that means when you click on the link.)

shortlisted

hey, it looks like i'm not just reading at the Manchester blog awards thing, but have been shortlisted. i am currently 'in negotiations' with Mark Perry, author of chapter 50, for him to come along and read too.

he's scared.

please post encouraging, non-sarcastic comments for him to read below.

(i did not vote for myself, by the way. honest. good work, whoever it was that did. thank you.)

chapter title nightmare

Duncan's untitled 'supermarket nightmare'2 is running a competition.

dazed and confused + reading

i am in the october issue of dazed and confused magazine, page 233. it mentions the 'supermarket nightmare' and gives a link a the bottom of the article.

for anyone who's typed in the link and is reading this:

hello.

thank you for having a look at my blog.

the 'supermarket nightmare' novel is finished but you can read the whole thing by clicking here (or just scrolling down to the bottom of this page), or read the sequel (written by Duncan Cheshire) here.

i will still be posting things on here.

please click on some of the other links, like 3am and bear parade and my friend chris' site.

thanks.

also, i will be reading some of the untitled 'supermarket nightmare' at the Manchester Blog Awards, October 10th.

i will be reading the first chapter of the bird room at the Ilkley Fringe Literature Festival Thing, October 11th.

i like reading. i have lots of things i could read -- short stories, novel extracts, etc. if anyone knows any good open mike nights, or wants me to read at anything, please email (see below right).