Thursday, 21 February 2008

gmail chat version of Night Owl


gmail chat version of Night Owl by Socrates and myself. (i played David Jason):

Mark Kermode: so i love politics

anyway

i was watching this video on you tube about barack obama

i don't know who he is

David Jason: me either

Mark Kermode: i know who you are

David Jason: is he an american?

Mark Kermode: i dont know

i turned it off

David Jason: okay

i am your brother

Mark Kermode: how is your odd shaped face?

David Jason: it's fine.

it's the same

'as always'

Mark Kermode: so i got bored and turned it back on

and i saw something amazing

David Jason: like a fat kid falling into a river or something?

Mark Kermode: no, it was a really big triangle

it was just huge

i have never seen anything like it

before or since

David Jason: it sounds great

Mark Kermode: it was the last straw

David Jason: send me the link

Mark Kermode: www.pythogorasisgay.co.uk

David Jason: thanks

Mark Kermode: it made me think

with all those triangles out there

i really should leave the house

did i mention it was quite late?

David Jason: yeah

you said that

Mark Kermode: sorry

David Jason: holy shit

that is one amazing triangle

you're right

Mark Kermode: i like the bit near the end of the video

where it doesnt move

just like the rest of the video

David Jason: i can't stop lookign at it

yes

did you go out?

Mark Kermode: the corners are good

yep

but not before i spean 2 mins looking for a shoe

but i found it

in the end

David Jason: good

Mark Kermode: it's ok

just a normal shoe

David Jason: i felt worried

Mark Kermode: a bit wet

when it rains

but it wasn't raining

it was a clear night

i felt good

i found a nightclub

it is called

David Jason: negresco?

they have a deer head on the wall

it's not a nightclub

Mark Kermode: it's somekind of freakish celebrationof death

David Jason: i don't know that one. is it in 'time out'?

Mark Kermode: i don't know. I only bought time out once

David Jason: will you take me there?

Mark Kermode: for the phone numbers of the saucy ladies in the back

David Jason: i feel lonely

Mark Kermode: don't worry

only joking

shall i tell you the next amazing thing that happened?

David Jason: yes

it might make me feel less lonely

Mark Kermode: i got into the night spot

and ordered a refreshing glass of wine

David Jason: is that what you said?

Mark Kermode: you'll never gues what the barman said to me

David Jason: did you ask for a 'refreshing' one?

Mark Kermode: yeah

i have quite a way with words

David Jason: i feel 'dumbfounded'

Mark Kermode: it's fine

David Jason: i feel about 2 inches

sorry

Mark Kermode: high?

David Jason: girth

Mark Kermode: you feel two inches sorry?

David Jason: i feel very small.

Mark Kermode: lookj

let me tell you something

David Jason: okay

Mark Kermode: you are important

David Jason: soryr

i'm not

i'm not

Mark Kermode: you are the most important i have ever met

David Jason: i'm a tiny miniature human man

Mark Kermode: you are massive

David Jason: you hate me

Mark Kermode: you make me feel small

you make me feel like i am lost

David Jason: stop doing this to me

just tell me about your 'night out' and then never speak to me again

Mark Kermode: i need you to tell me you love me

David Jason: maybe

Mark Kermode: right now

David Jason: i don't know

i feel sad

Mark Kermode: that's what i though

David Jason: what happened next?

Mark Kermode: the barman said i looked stupid

David Jason: you do

sometimes

it's why i like you

Mark Kermode: he said that he had never seen anyone as shrivelled as me

shrivelled

that's what he said

David Jason: i'm blushing

Mark Kermode: he said

we have a shriveller

David Jason: oooh

Mark Kermode: i wish i was strong

David Jason: me too

i want to lift a haybale

over my head

and wave it around for 'all the world to see'

Mark Kermode: i fell over once

for no reason

i am just weak

David Jason: did they stamp your hand at the club?

Mark Kermode: my legs couldn't carry mw

yeah

they stamped it

they made me pay for it as well

David Jason: sometimes when they stamp my hand it hurts and i start to cry

i love you

Mark Kermode: my heart feels warm

David Jason: what happened next?

Mark Kermode: i did a dance

David Jason: did you do 'our dance'?

Mark Kermode: i can't do it without you

i need you

David Jason: i felt jealous for a second. then when i read that last thing i felt amazing

do you miss me?

Mark Kermode: yes

David Jason: all the time?

Mark Kermode: whenever i am not with you

David Jason: even if you are with a lady?

Mark Kermode: i feel like a part of my soul is fucking someone else

and i don't like it

David Jason: good

i feel unsure

Mark Kermode: after the dance i left

David Jason: i don't think i want to speak to you anymore

Mark Kermode: ok

David Jason: tell me the rest though

i'll just read it

and not write anything

Mark Kermode: ok

i got hungry and ate 50 chips

they had salt on them

the man said i could have vinegar

but it costs extra

i said fuck your condiments

then

i went home

on my way home i passed

out

i had a dream that morrissey wanted me to sing in the next eurovision song contest

i didn't want to

i has to let them down easy

had

to

that's it

David Jason: i'm still not speaking to you


6 comments:

KEN BAUMANN said...

This version grabbed me by the ears rubbed my face into the computer screen.

Not really.

I like this version.

apants said...

This is my favorite version thus far. I'm disappointed that pythagorasisgay.co.uk isn't a real link. I think the triangle is a symbol for a vagina. Perhaps the most enormous vagina ever seen by mankind. Your mom's.

This is my favorite version.

This was my favorite version so far.

*favorited*

brandon said...

i laughed alot good job

Ben Myers said...

I want to do one these with you Chris. I want to be Axl Rose. Maybe you could be Kofi Annan or Vince Neil or Axl Rose's mother, Rose.

We could put it in my forthcoming epic poem 'I, Axl: An American Dream'.

What say you?

Yours -
Axl.

chris killen said...

ben, i'm 'in'.

i want to be Slash.

Socrates Adams-Florou said...

My name is really socrates.