Friday, 4 April 2008

two 'failed' email love affairs:

a while ago the miniature plastic horse made a plea for emails. people have been emailing. the miniature plastic horse has now had two 'failed' email love affairs 'under his belt'.

here is 'failed' email love affair #1:

March 15th

i heart to me

Dear Mister Miniature Plastic Horse,

I've been thinking about you a lot, Mister Miniature Plastic Horse. I think you are the handsomist Miniature Plastic Horse I've ever seen.
I want to write you a poem, but I am afraid that you might laugh.
I am shy, Mister Miniature Plastic Horse.
I hope one day I will over come my shyness and meet you and perhaps we will fall in love with each other.

My shoe size is a six. I hope that this shoe size isn't too small and isn't too big for you.
I hope it is 'just right'.

(Please write to me soon)

Love from
'a secret admirer of Mister Miniature Plastic Horse'

March 16th:

miniature horse to i


thank you for your email.

i don't know how to take compliments.

i felt like a soft breeze was blowing over me as i read your email. then the email was over. i read it again, but the breeze wasn't there the second time. i don't know what that means.

i would like you to write me a poem. please send me a poem.

i am shy too. sometimes i wish i was wearing clothes.

size six does sound 'just right' to me.

i am not sure if we will meet. i don't get out much.

your friend,

Miniature Plastic Horse

March 16th:

i heart to me

I'm glad you don't mind me sending you a poem Mister Miniature Plastic Horse, no one has ever said that sending a poem was OK. No one has ever said that my size six feet were 'just right' either. Maybe my poem will change that. I hope not. You seem like a really understanding miniature plastic horse - the nice kind.

Anyway, it's sort of an ode. Sort of one that is to you but is also to me, which I think will be OK because I don't think you're the type of horse that would want so much 'focus' on yourself. So that's why it's about you and me - but not about 'you and me'.

I made myself small once to see
What it was like to be

I couldn't see over the bus seat
And the only way I could to touch the floor was with the tips of my

My favourite fruit are bananas and those large orange you have at half time on the football pitch.
It made them particularly hard to

I soon missed being bigger though I liked being able to
sneak under doors and listen to clandestine conversations but really I grew

But when I tried to make myself big again
With the magic 'reversing' spell I'd bought from an old man at B&Q it didn't

So I stayed small.
And now I'm a small (but not quite miniature) stuffed felt clown with size six

(the end)

It's also a poem that's a confession as well as an ode because my size six shoes are really big and I fall over a lot and I think you should know that before we carry on our correspondence. Stairs are particularly hard to navigate. I have a bungalow now. With really low work surfaces. I make a really good chilli con carne. My knives and forks are small too. I got them from Fisher Price in a clear out

Anyway, Mister Miniature Plastic Horse thank you for reading my poem. If you do ever 'get out' then you can come over for tea - I have a lovely tea set from the Just Like Home range from Toys R Us (
I'm quite practical like that and thought you may have problems making tea as well. I think the kettle they sell is fantastic but I wouldn't recommend the vegetables. They're made from plastic but you don't find that out until they've been delivered and you've spent ages getting them out of the box and you've got some butter and garlic frying in the pan.

Anyway, bye

Love from

The small (but not quite miniature) stuffed felt clown with size six
(Formerly 'a secret admirer of Mister Miniature Plastic Horse' - though I add that the admiration hasn't ever gone away, it's just that you know I'm a clown now. That's the only thing that's changed).

March 18th:

miniature horse to i


thank you so much for the poem. i felt 'empathy' and 'excitement' and 'sadness' and then 'excitement' again.

i would like to send you a poem back, but i don't think i can write poems. i just found that out. i had never tried before. the poem i just tried to write went:


i feel shy about it. i don't think it will 'win any prizes'.

if i ever get out, yes, the tea set looks good. will those little girls be there too?

i don't mind that you are a stuffed clown. are the size six shoes adult or children's size six?

what do you do all day? recently i have been feeling paranoia about this. people have been emailing me and asking what i 'do all day' and i feel strange about telling them that most of the time i just stand on top of a speaker next to a computer and look over at the bed. sometimes i am knocked off the speaker and lay on my side until i am put back on the speaker again. one time i fell behind the desk for a few days and was forgotten about. those were 'dark days'.

your friend,

Miniature Plastic Horse

[then nothing for 17 days …]

here is 'failed' email love affair #2:

March 29th:

Miniature Plastic-Jockey to me

I am real. I have been looking for so long. For you. Will you let me? Could we? I hope to find you one day. I can't stop hoping that you are real.

Please be real. Here is a picture of me to treasure.

March 31st:

miniature horse to Miniature

Dear Miniature Plastic Jockey,

i feel terribly excited. i think we 'could'. i don't know.

i feel a bit 'guarded' too. i am real. i am definitely real. are you real?

could you send me another picture of yourself, maybe next to today's newspaper or something?

also, are you a man or a lady? (i couldn't quite tell from the picture)

i look forward to your reply,

Miniature Plastic Horse

March 31st:

Miniature Plastic-Jockey to me

Dear Miniature Plastic Horse,
I am a woman, I hope that this isn't a problem. I am real. I will send you a picture of me next to today's paper. That will be tomorrow - I hope that's not a problem. Where are your stables? I have a saddle, if you are looking to "mix things up" a bit.
Your love,
Miniature Plastic Jockey

April 1st:

miniature horse to Miniature

Dear Miniature Plastic Jockey,

i am 'forward thinking' -- women jockeys are 'just fine' with me.

i don't have stables. i usually just stand on top of a speaker next to a computer. do you know of any miniature plastic stables anywhere?

the saddle sounds good. would you include a photo of the saddle, too?

i feel so excited right now.

i hope this isn't some kind of april fool's joke or something.


Miniature Plastic Horse

[then nothing for three days …]

[note: this one might still be 'pending'. the miniature plastic horse might just be being impatient. but in his mind the email love affair is now 'over'.]


apants said...

You have forced me to feel strong feelings of empathy and aching for the miniature plastic horse. I feel foolish but also like I'm watching a movie and something very touching has just happened.

Anthony Joseph said...

i have found myself a seat on the roller coaster that is the love life of the miniature plastic horse.
thank your chris

brandon said...

thats funny

sally said...

I think the miniature plastic horse might not be a horse. He looks more to my naive equine enthusiast's eye to be a sort of mule. He has a very short back and longish ears. But perhaps you should consult a miniature plastic vet on this matter. Don't take my word for it.

Obviously I understand it could be of grave psychological consequence to reveal this to the miniature plastic horse. I wouldn't want him to suffer with identity issues or a breakdown or anything. So I hope he doesn't read this.

I suppose as long as he is happy and comfortable in his own skin then it doesn't matter if he is, in fact, a miniature plastic mule. If he is though, he will probably be unable to sire miniature miniature plastic horses/mules. You might need to break that to him.