to celebrate the publication of Tao Lin's poetry book, Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, i 'caught up' with him this evening to ask a few questions about 'choads':
me: first of all, could you describe a choad for british people who might not know what one is?
Tao: a choad is a penis as long as it is wide
it is also a kind of human being
a 'variety' of human being or animal
me: do you 'see' a certain kind of choad, when you think about choads? is there a kind of choad you are thinking about right now?
Tao: when i think 'choad' many different people 'flash' through my mind, rarely does an actual penis go into my mind, many times i see myself from outside of myself, like in a movie
i know i'm a choad
me: do you think there are many animal choads? or is it a more 'human' thing or 'characteristic'?
Tao: i think a hamster, for example, is a natural choad, it's entire existence is as long as it is wide. nature's best choad might be the ocean sunfish (http://www.vte.qc.ca/uploads/Images/Californie/800px-Mola_mola_ocean_sunfish_Monterey_Bay_Aquarium_2.jpg)
anyone or anything can be a choad
i just idly glanced to my right and saw a few choads. my container of organic coconut oil, my container of tea tree oil, and my cd player. it is almost impossible to live a life free of choads, though some have tried, with disasterous effects, as you know.
me: have you typed 'choad' into google image search?
i just did
it is mostly just pornography, and this guy:http://www.geocities.com/donkeybunchfriends/choad.jpg
Tao: i have no desire to type choad into image search. i have not done that before. choad is mostly a metaphysical thing for me. it is like kafka's writing. kafka's writing to me is not about praque, jewishness, or fascism.
i just clicked that link, that human is definitely a choad.
but be warned: people who don't look like choads can just as frequently exhibit 'choadlike behaviors' (see the 'definitive choad gmail chat guide' with kendra)
me: is 'the choad' something you 'came to' recently -- a new 'emblem' -- or is something you've always thought about?
what drew you to choads?
Tao: human beings are not drawn to choads, choads are drawn to human beings. i guess the concept of choads just chose me, i don't know why, i'm glad though. i'm grateful, chris.
me: okay, i think i only have one more question, unless there's more you would like to say ...
Tao: i would like to say that choads rarely 'invade' dreams. i had a dream a few weeks ago that i met ellen page, from juno, in an airport, and she recognized me and i pretended not to recognize her, then we went somewhere and had sex. i was happy in the dream and woke up happy and felt happy for a while, there were no choads in the dream.
me: my last question is: can we expect the word 'choad' in your next novel?
Tao: i don't know why but i just took a really long time to answer this question. the answer is 'no, the word choad does not appear in my next novel.
me: okay. good. thank you.
Tao: thank you for interviewing me about choads, hopefully the serious literature community can see the value in choads, since i talked about kafka.
here, too, is the 'definitive choad gmail chat guide' by Tao Lin and Kendra Grant Malone:
Kendra: i lost my job
i am a choad
life has been 'choad-like'
Tao: i ve been feeling choadlike
the weather is choadlike
Tao: kelly party firday night
life is a choad
Kendra: yes i will be there
i have a job interview tomorrow
Tao: whats ig
what is it for
Kendra: me = frightened choad
with that artist jeff koons
he makes giant puppies
Kendra: choad puppies
i got stood up by jakub again last night
jakub is a supreme choad delux
Tao: he is a choad
that is choadlike behavior
Kendra: fucking choads
Tao: melville hose event wed. night
Kendra: this wed?
Tao: chaod is go
Tao: im not meeting girls
the choad life continues
Kendra: i only meet supreme choad deluxes
Tao: the dutchess of choads
Kendra: are you at work?
Tao: that's good
i'm in my room
i brought a chair into my room. i'm sitting in the room
Kendra: me too
not on a chair
on a bed
Tao: like a fucking bitchass choad
i sit in the center of my room
a vegan variety of choad
Tao: cucumber licking choad ass bitch
Kendra: i am getting very close to the point of depression where it becomes homicidal tendencies
Tao: do you any 'hope'
Kendra: the job interview
got 'forthcoming publications'
writing = good
life = shitty choad land
Tao: im going to hang out a lot
Kendra: lots of hanging
Tao: find social events and go to them
Kendra: social choad
Tao: social choad
Kendra: meet female choads
Tao: female variety of cucumber licking choad ass hos
Kendra: make miniature choads
Tao: this is the definitive gmail chat on choads
Kendra: we win
'supreme king and queen choad'
i am wearing a tiara made of short fat penises
Tao: promotional bitch ass choads
internet video choads
i need to curb my giggeling
thats all i do in every video on the internet
'emotionally ticklish choad'
Tao: the giggling is good
it sounds good
Kendra: it makes you guys seem funny i guess
Tao: yes, creates a false sense of
not being choads
Kendra: hilarious choads
Tao: i want to eat a fried choad
Kendra: i will always mind
that was gross
im never forgetting that
Tao: choad restaurant
Kendra: neutral meals
Tao: choad a la cart
Kendra: paper clips
choad a la mode
Tao: chris killen is interviewing m about choads
can i just send him this gmail chat instead
we can deelte the jakub part
no leave jakub
he is a choad
who should be publically called out
Tao: this is good
Kendra: i need a dictionary
Tao: chris said he'll post it
Kendra: i am a choad brain
he is a good choad
a very big choad
many inches long and wide
larger than a basketball
Kendra: that is huge
Tao: im going to eat, ill be back
bonus 'choad' features:
the seattle paper the stranger makes 'choad' its word of the week
choad poem by Tao Lin
choad poem by Kendra Grant Malone