Wednesday, 25 June 2008

thanks for the CD, Duncan

i went to a prison today and read the first chapter of my novel and a short story and answered questions. it was organized by my friend Jenn. thanks, Jenn. it was fun. i was a tiny bit scared, but had a good time. i got called a 'bitch' at one point [1], but i think it was done in 'the nicest possible way'. maybe. or something. i just sat here, before i started writing this, and thought, 'why don't i write blog posts like i write emails to people?' i think i write emails to people differently to how i write blog posts. if they are 'proper' emails. i think i know what i mean.

context: i have had two pints and three home-made vodka jellies, and maybe i will have another small drink. in other words, i feel 'effusive'.

(is that okay? am i allowed to write whatever i want on my blog? please answer 'yes' or 'no' in the comments section. i would like to know. if i am supposed to only write one kind of thing, i would like to be made aware of this. if i am only supposed to do short sentences and updates, please tell me. now i feel like i'm not coming across correctly. like i'm being passive-aggressive. i'm not. i'm being 'deadly serious'. i'm not being that either. i just mean, 'i feel like i am coming across more drunk than i am, which is not very drunk at all -- maybe just a warm feeling in my cheeks -- and feel glad that i am writing this right now, even if tomorrow i will probably read it back and feel like it's a 'dreadful mistake' and delete it.')

i just had an idea. a pretentious idea. a very 'self involved', pretentious idea. but i figure, if you are reading this in the first place then maybe you are kind of interested in me or something or why would you still be reading this far down a blog post where so far nothing has happened? my idea was, 'i want to write a manifesto'. then there was a small pause. then i thought, 'or something.' maybe not exactly a manifesto. i think, sometimes, that i 'come across' wrong. that i meet a new person, and they get the wrong idea of me. that they think i have an 'ulterior motive' or something. so my plan is to write a list of my 'general motivations', to clear things up:

1. do not be cruel to someone. i mean it. if i feel like i am accidentally 'being cruel' to someone i will panic. (obviously, i have been cruel to people. i am not a 'saint' or anything. i have done horrible things, knowingly, in the past.) but as much as i can in my life that is an actual motivation. it will sometimes stop me from doing the things i want to do. and sometimes it will go too far, into a kind of 'selfless altruism'; where i become a 'little bitch' or something.

2. "if you want to do something, just do it". (this one is very cliched, and is usually negated by point no. 1.)

3. i just realised: i am not writing a manifesto. what a horrible idea. i'm not even writing a list of my 'general motivations' anymore. sorry. i've wasted your time.

4. i just wanted to say that i'm a nice person. that's all, i think. that i have no 'ulterior motives', usually.

5. i worry, if i am in a social situation, if 'everyone feels included'.

6. i will sometimes 'sacrifice' my own 'nice time' to make sure other people feel included.

7. i need to go for a wee.

8. i just came back from the toilet. i made myself a very strong vodka and orange.

9. i think people should just be nice to each other all the time.

10. i don't understand it, the idea of being a dick to people.

11. i think i lack testosterone or something.

12. i'm serious. i think i am testosterone deficient. i think if you put me on a special machine, it would be discovered that i am technically 'less of a man' than other men. i have the 'usual urges' of a 'male', but also a lack of wanting to get into 'typically male' situations.

13. i find a lot of things like that ridiculous; two men being very 'manly' about something. i don't know. i've never fit into that. not at school. not now. i don't understand it. i imagine, often, i would immediately be written-off as a 'big poof' or something.

14. i am listening to Sunset Rubdown, which Duncan Cheshire very kindly copied me. thanks, Duncan.

15. i don't know.

16. this is why i don't write more actual 'proper blog posts'.

17. it's strange, though. i hope i haven't come across as condescending or anything. i just don't understand a lot of things. i think if i meet a new person i come off as quite naive or something, but in truth it's more that i just don't want to 'take part' in certain ways of behaving. i see it like a choice: i can act a certain way and hate myself, or i can just be myself, and by doing things this way i will make less friends and some people will think i'm 'weird' or 'a twat' or 'simple' or 'acting out a part', but in truth i will just be happier with myself, and the friends i make will be actual friends.

18. or something.

19. i just want to 'have a nice time'. (if i am 100% honest, that is my only 'goal' in life at the moment.)

20. etc.

21. whatever.


Jenn said...


tomas sidoli said...


Sara said...


Duncan Cheshire said...


emma said...


sean gregory said...

and thrice

Having read the word 'yes' so many times now and repeated it in my head, the word 'yes' looks and sounds ridiculous.

Martin said...


Duncan Cheshire said...

Thanks for the links, Chris, in this post and the previous one, and for the title of this post. Thank you.

Jo said...

Yes, most definitely yes.

jereme said...

i am going t be non-comformist and say no

but i probably really mean yes

but I am going to say no if you question me on it