Wednesday, 25 June 2008
thanks for the CD, Duncan
i went to a prison today and read the first chapter of my novel and a short story and answered questions. it was organized by my friend Jenn. thanks, Jenn. it was fun. i was a tiny bit scared, but had a good time. i got called a 'bitch' at one point , but i think it was done in 'the nicest possible way'. maybe. or something. i just sat here, before i started writing this, and thought, 'why don't i write blog posts like i write emails to people?' i think i write emails to people differently to how i write blog posts. if they are 'proper' emails. i think i know what i mean.
context: i have had two pints and three home-made vodka jellies, and maybe i will have another small drink. in other words, i feel 'effusive'.
(is that okay? am i allowed to write whatever i want on my blog? please answer 'yes' or 'no' in the comments section. i would like to know. if i am supposed to only write one kind of thing, i would like to be made aware of this. if i am only supposed to do short sentences and updates, please tell me. now i feel like i'm not coming across correctly. like i'm being passive-aggressive. i'm not. i'm being 'deadly serious'. i'm not being that either. i just mean, 'i feel like i am coming across more drunk than i am, which is not very drunk at all -- maybe just a warm feeling in my cheeks -- and feel glad that i am writing this right now, even if tomorrow i will probably read it back and feel like it's a 'dreadful mistake' and delete it.')
i just had an idea. a pretentious idea. a very 'self involved', pretentious idea. but i figure, if you are reading this in the first place then maybe you are kind of interested in me or something or why would you still be reading this far down a blog post where so far nothing has happened? my idea was, 'i want to write a manifesto'. then there was a small pause. then i thought, 'or something.' maybe not exactly a manifesto. i think, sometimes, that i 'come across' wrong. that i meet a new person, and they get the wrong idea of me. that they think i have an 'ulterior motive' or something. so my plan is to write a list of my 'general motivations', to clear things up:
1. do not be cruel to someone. i mean it. if i feel like i am accidentally 'being cruel' to someone i will panic. (obviously, i have been cruel to people. i am not a 'saint' or anything. i have done horrible things, knowingly, in the past.) but as much as i can in my life that is an actual motivation. it will sometimes stop me from doing the things i want to do. and sometimes it will go too far, into a kind of 'selfless altruism'; where i become a 'little bitch' or something.
2. "if you want to do something, just do it". (this one is very cliched, and is usually negated by point no. 1.)
3. i just realised: i am not writing a manifesto. what a horrible idea. i'm not even writing a list of my 'general motivations' anymore. sorry. i've wasted your time.
4. i just wanted to say that i'm a nice person. that's all, i think. that i have no 'ulterior motives', usually.
5. i worry, if i am in a social situation, if 'everyone feels included'.
6. i will sometimes 'sacrifice' my own 'nice time' to make sure other people feel included.
7. i need to go for a wee.
8. i just came back from the toilet. i made myself a very strong vodka and orange.
9. i think people should just be nice to each other all the time.
10. i don't understand it, the idea of being a dick to people.
11. i think i lack testosterone or something.
12. i'm serious. i think i am testosterone deficient. i think if you put me on a special machine, it would be discovered that i am technically 'less of a man' than other men. i have the 'usual urges' of a 'male', but also a lack of wanting to get into 'typically male' situations.
13. i find a lot of things like that ridiculous; two men being very 'manly' about something. i don't know. i've never fit into that. not at school. not now. i don't understand it. i imagine, often, i would immediately be written-off as a 'big poof' or something.
14. i am listening to Sunset Rubdown, which Duncan Cheshire very kindly copied me. thanks, Duncan.
15. i don't know.
16. this is why i don't write more actual 'proper blog posts'.
17. it's strange, though. i hope i haven't come across as condescending or anything. i just don't understand a lot of things. i think if i meet a new person i come off as quite naive or something, but in truth it's more that i just don't want to 'take part' in certain ways of behaving. i see it like a choice: i can act a certain way and hate myself, or i can just be myself, and by doing things this way i will make less friends and some people will think i'm 'weird' or 'a twat' or 'simple' or 'acting out a part', but in truth i will just be happier with myself, and the friends i make will be actual friends.
18. or something.
19. i just want to 'have a nice time'. (if i am 100% honest, that is my only 'goal' in life at the moment.)