Monday, 22 December 2008

interview #6

interview with MARTIN HIGGINS

who would win in a fight between a cat and a chicken?

The cat, but it would be a hollow victory. In our own way we all fight chickens and it never seems to help.

who would win in a fight between a cat and a 6-year-old boy?

I think the cat would put up quite a fight and the ensuing battle would be nothing less than scintillating. I would (and have) pay (paid) to see this (er...this). Eventually though, the furious intensity of the child's attack would overcome the cat and it would soon find it's head forced up its own bum. I'm sure you'll agree that this is a grisly yet erotic image.

who would win in a fight between Mel Gibson and the man from the Ronseal Woodstain advert?

SURELY this has happened already? It seems like such a good idea. Intially Gibson would appear the obvious choice due to his career as an ignorant, drunken action man actor (or mactor as they are known in the business), but this is all a front. He is in fact made almost entirely of scrunched up wrapping paper and ribbons. Ever the crafty tactician, Ronseal man would use this to his advantage and go silly on El Mel.He would take the fight to his lair located high atop his garage.From there he would use his brutally simplistic advertising skills to shout Gibson into submission.

who would win in a fight between you and your boss at work?

Ahhhh, The Ruck In The Truck, The Fight In The Night, The Scuffle In The Truffle, erm, Me Fighting My Boss. My boss is consideralbly older than me and, although bigger than me, he has sustained several footballing injuries which I could use these to take him down like Jason Bourne. I would kick out his dodgy leg then, when he's down, pound his face with the big hole-punch until it looks more like an uncooked burger (this wouldn't take long as he already resembles mince beef as it is). At this point I would break for lunch and take a whole EXTRA HALF HOUR. I would then come back and decapitate him using only the rickety old filing cabinet and the patience of a professional needle threader.

Things aren't going well at work.

how can i cure the mold on my bathroom ceiling (it keeps coming back)?

Hmmm, have you tried putting brown parcel tape over it? I do this with anything that offends me in my flat. Perhaps put up a poster of Bill Cosby over the mold and transform a bathroom eyesore into a warm, smile inducing shrine to a childhood icon. Use a hairdryer to dry the damp?