interview with VALERIE O'RIORDAN
please describe an elderly cat.
The most elderly cat I've ever met was twenty-three years old, which is, I think, about seven million and two in people-years. I was only twenty at the time, so the cat had one up on me from the start and treated me with terrible disdain. He looked like a shrunken dinosaur with a knobbly arched back and very very long claws and quite pale grey-ish hair, and he lived in a little house-within-an-apartment that was like a little wendy-house for cats, and it said 'CAT HOUSE' on the front, which I thought was funny, though I kept that to myself. He was a very fussy eater and probably counts as the one of the two cats that wouldn't prefer Whiskas.
what is your 'morning routine'?
Mostly, in the mornings, I press the snooze button over and over until I know I'm definitely going to be late for work, and then I have to rush out the door without having any toast, and I cycle to work in a rage because I have to go to work when everybody knows the world would be a wonderful and shiny place if I could stay in bed indefinitely, and when I get there I make up some excuse for my lateness than involves traffic even though it's pointless since they know I cycle and anyway I'm carrying my helmet and look half-asleep and very disheveled. Then I make some toast in the canteen in their killer robot toast destoyer that usually sets the bread on fire, and then I bond with my colleagues over the horrors of flaming breakfasts and not being still in bed. That carries me through until about nine-thirty, usually.
have you ever made up a board game or anything? (what was it?)
I haven't made up a board game, but when I was in primary school my friend and I did invent a game called 'horses and dogs' which involved us pretending to be said creatures by making the appropriate noises and crawling around the upstairs corridor in my house, which was quite long with a handy little three-step staircase for leaping down, and generally getting involved in 'humourous scrapes' and being unwillingly assisted by my little sister who was forced to play the 'stable hand' and fetch us 'hay' and 'dog food' in the form of Penguin bars and salt-and-vinegar crisps. She doesn't really look back at the glory days and laugh like I do.
what is the best thing about the interactive online game 'Second Life'?
I haven't played it but it doesn't seem to have a patch on 'Horses and Dogs', which, now that I've made it public, will probably need immediate copyrighting.
how can i cure the mold on my bathroom ceiling?
I know this one! Paint thick bleach on the whole area, leave for a bit then scrub off, though if it's bad the paint might need stripping back too, and then for good measure, spray the whole area with one of those anti-mold sprays you get in Homebase. Then paint the area with Dulux's special moisture-proof paint. I had to also buy a dehumifier for my flat, the mold was so bad cause there was no ventilation... Then get the elderly cat to check on your work, since they get that old for a reason, and know all about all sorts, especially mold, and he'll keep it away with a feline Jedi-mind-trick-thing for a minimal charge and some cream. I have his number somewhere. He's a smooth old thing.