hi there: March 2008

Monday, 31 March 2008

photographs of whatever i was looking at the other day, once an hour:

10am:

11am:

12pm:

1pm:

2pm:

3pm:

4pm:

5pm:

6pm:

7pm:

8pm:

9pm:

10pm:

11pm:

12am:

1am:

Saturday, 29 March 2008

'forthcoming' + use of quotes

there will be more things on here soon. everything feels 'forthcoming'. i think i have about five things 'forthcoming' which i am waiting to be 'now', mainly just so i can post about them on here.

i am even thinking about things like going to the toilet and going to sleep in a bit and having breakfast tomorrow as 'forthcoming'.

i keep saying 'forthcoming' in my head. it sounds 'stupid'. i can hardly write anything 'non-fiction' now without writing things in quotes. i like these movie reviews. there are good uses of quotes in them. here is a bit from an old gmail chat i had with the author of those movie reviews, about the use of quotes:

me: yeah, i guess they are of 'varying quality'

or something

i don't know

Brandon: the other day tao and i were gmail chatting and he said chris killen has mastered quotes, and then he said, how did he do that

me: like the blurbs on my myspace?

Brandon: no

as in

Chris: yeah, i guess they are of 'varying quality'

me: oh.

i don't know.

i don't think i have 'mastered' them

have i?

tao is good at quotes, too, i think

Brandon: yes

it is a science

or there should be an essay on it. i have been thinking about writing how to use quotes but i have never thought that i would do it and it seems hard

me: i don't think i could.

it is 'intuitive' for me

Brandon: yes

me: (i feel self-conscious about using quotes now)

i am thinking about quotes now. i like how they simultaneously let you use cliches without 'disgracing' yourself, and also make things sound sarcastic. i find them funny. i wonder if it is something 'stuck' now, and i will use them forever, or whether it is a short-lived 'joke' and i will stop doing it in a year or so.

here is a stock job application letter (from monster.co.uk) 'made sarcastic' using quotes (i filled in the blanks):

Dear Mr. Smith
Re: Office Junior
In response to the 'advertised' position on monster.co.uk on 27th March, please 'consider' my CV in your search for an office junior. This is an 'ideal' job for me given my 'enthusiasm' for office work, my 'related experience' and 'qualifications'.
Working in offices has always been 'important' to me, which is why I 'chose' to work in offices since leaving school. I obtained an A in English in 1998 and have been working in offices since then. I am a 'confident' user of Word and have worked 'extensively' with Microsoft Paint.
As you can see from my CV, I've taken the opportunity to gain 'extra qualifications', which has 'helped' me in my previous position as an office junior. I'm responsible for things like making cups of tea, etc. I've also photocopied things, and carried things around.
I am available for an interview 'at your convenience' and 'look forward' to 'hearing' from you.
'Yours sincerely',
Chris Killen

my death = 'forthcoming'.

Wednesday, 26 March 2008

lyrics to 'badlands' by bruce springsteen with some of the words changed for other words using 'find and replace'

Lights out tonight, trouble in the heartland.
Got a head-on collision, smashin in my guts man.
Im caught in a crossfire that I dont understand.
But theres one thing I know for sure miniature plastic horse:
I dont give a damn for the same old played out scenes
I dont give a damn for just the in-betweens.
Miniature plastic horse I want the heart, I want the soul, I want control right now.
You better listen to me miniature plastic horse:
Talk about a dream; try to make it real.
You wake up in the night with a fear so real.
You spend your life waiting for a moment that just dont come.
Well dont waste your time waiting

Badlands you gotta live it every day
Let the broken hearts stand
As the price youve gotta pay
Well keep pushin till its understood
And these badlands start treating us good

Workin in the field till you get your back burned
Workin `neath the wheels till you get your facts learned.
Miniature plastic horse I got my facts learned real good right now.
You better get it straight miniature plastic horse:
Poor men wanna be rich, rich men wanna be kings,
And a king aint satisfied till he rules everything.
I wanna go out tonight, I wanna find out what I got.
Now I believe in the love that you gave me.
I believe in the faith that could save me.
I believe in the hope and I pray that some day it
Will raise me above these

Badlands...

For the ones who had a notion, a notion deep inside
That it aint no sin to be glad youre alive.
I wanna find one face that aint looking through me
I wanna find one place, I wanna spit in the face of these …

Badlands

[note: this post could also be titled "what am i doing? here is another attempt to stop people taking me 'seriously' as a 'young novelist'. i feel paranoia about this, yet i keep doing things like this. i have no idea what i'm doing right now."]

Saturday, 22 March 2008

i forgot to bring my camera

i went to Edinburgh for a few days. i visited the Canongate offices a couple of times.

[imagine an impressive photograph of the Canongate offices here. lots of books.]

i met some nice people. i met Dan Rhodes.

[imagine a slightly awkward photograph of me standing next to Dan Rhodes here. i am trying to look like i am 'best friends' with Dan Rhodes in it.]

i walked around and looked at the castle and a fossil shop and some book shops and the 'Camera Obscura' and some other things.

[imagine a sequence of generic Edinburgh 'holiday photos' here.]

i stayed up late the first night and got drunk and had a nice time.

[imagine a photograph i have taken of my shoes at 2am, which seemed like a really good idea at the time.]

Tuesday, 18 March 2008

'out of office' autoreply:

i am going to be away for a few days. i go away tomorrow morning and come back on Friday night. nothing more will happen on this blog until Friday, except for maybe comments on this post.

please write 'amusing' comments on this post until Friday, so that people will keep coming back to check for new 'amusing' comments and be 'amused' until i return on Friday and break up the party and ruin everything by posting another blog entry.

(note: i am 'banking' on people writing 'amusing' comments on this post. i will be 'heartbroken' and 'severely let down' if i get back and there are no comments on this post. please don't break my heart.)

the miniature plastic horse gets more emails than me #2

(see this post if you don't understand what is going on)

Amanda Murphy

123 Horsey Street

Horsey Town, OR 12345

March 15, 2008

Miniature Plastic Horse

Executive Director

Horsey Town Hospital

123 Medical Center Dr.

Suite 100

Horsey Town, OR 12345

Dear Mr. Miniature Plastic Horse:

Mrs. Very Small Hen suggested that I contact you regarding the open Office Manager position with Horsey Town Hospital. My experience in the Health Care Industry along with my specific experience as a former employee at HTH, makes me an excellent candidate for this position.

As you will see from the enclosed résumé, I have more than 10 years of experience in the field of Health Care. My résumé shows that during my time at HTH I was rewarded for my hard work, dedication, and reliability with promotions and increased responsibilities. During my time there I developed trusting relationships with each veterinarian and long-lasting bonds with my coworkers. It was with great difficulty that I decided to leave in January of 2006. I was met by all staff members and physicians with an incredible amount of support for my decision to return to school and finish my B.A. in English, which I completed this last fall, 2007.

I have since been looking for a position that is commensurate with my experience and education. I have recently been offered a position at the Horsey Town Miniature Human Experiments and Trials Clinic as a scheduler and although this position offers me more in the way of hours and security, it is not the step up into a more challenging career that the Office Manager position at your clinic would be. This Office Manager position is exactly the type of challenge that I would most like to take on at this time in my life.

If you have questions, or if you want to schedule an interview, please contact me. I look forward to meeting you to further discuss employment opportunities with Horsey Town Hosptal.

Sincerely,

Amanda Murphy

Enclosure

miniature horse to Mandy

Dear Amanda,

thank you sincerely for your email. however, i feel there has been a 'mixup' of some sort. i do not run a clinic at Horsey Town Hospital. i think you must be confusing me with a different miniature plastic horse. perhaps this one? or maybe this one? i am trying my hardest. i don't know what else to do.

i feel a strange disordered kind of panic.

i am so sorry about this. i even thought about lying and saying i was the correct miniature plastic horse, and scheduling an interview with you. but i thought about it some more, and i am in England and i can't speak or anything, and it just felt wrong and deceitful.

i don't know what to do.

i'm sorry.

i wish you the best in finding a suitable job, and if you ever want to send me emails and just be friends or something, that would be good.

best wishes,

Miniature Plastic Horse

Mandy Murphy to me

Miniature horse,

Forgive the mix up.

Best Wishes,

Amanda

miniature horse to Mandy

Amanda,

no problem.

good luck with the job.

your friend (?),

Miniature Plastic Horse

Inland Empire

i just watched Inland Empire again. i think this is my favourite bit:

Monday, 17 March 2008

what happens to the penis when you die:

someone found my blog by googling "what happens to the penis when you die".

i feel bad that they didn't find the answer. i will answer the question now, in case there are any future searches for "what happens to the penis when you die".

what happens to the penis when you die:

the penis turns into a small bird. the small penis bird goes to a party. there are other small penis birds at the party. the small penis birds have a nice time at the party. the party lasts forever. there is 'beautiful' music being dj-ed at the party. everyone has a nice time. 'crazy' things happen. the small penis birds flutter around and sometimes kiss each other. sometimes the small penis birds wish that the party was over, so that they could look back on it and remember it fondly and think phrases like 'good times' and 'awesome' to themselves. but the party doesn't stop. the party goes on forever. sometimes one of the small penis birds becomes sick from exhaustion from constant partying. sometimes one of the small penis birds becomes sick just from having too much fun, like a five-year-old on Christmas morning. the party goes on forever, like a thought about someone you have broken up with.

what happens to the rest of the body when you die:

it goes into the ground or it gets cremated or maybe it just lies there, wherever it is, slowly decaying.

the miniature plastic horse got way more emails than me

Socrates Adams- Florou to me

I feel sad when I think about you. You are so small and dainty - like a beautiful dream; I want to be friends with you but I am not cool enough. Please be my friend. I love you horse.

miniature horse to Socrates

Dear Socrates,

Thank you for your email. It made me happy. It is my first email. Thank you.

I am your friend. I am a miniature plastic horse. Sometimes I don't feel very 'cool' either. Thank you for saying I am small and dainty. It made me feel better.

your friend,

Miniature Plastic Horse

p.s. You probably get asked this a lot, but is Socrates your real name?

Socrates Adams- Florou to me

Hi Horse,

Thankyou for getting back to me - What a lovely treat to wake up to on a Saturday! Socrates is not my real name - I call myself it to appear more important than I really am - I am really called Neville.

What are your ambitions?

Speak soon,

Neville