that article i asked a few people to write things for is coming soon, hopefully

thank you to everyone who wrote comments about getting a cat. i feel a bit better about the idea. i think a cat is 'forthcoming'.

i saw My Bloody Valentine at the Apollo on Saturday. they played 35 minutes of gigantic crushing noise at the end of the set:




it was amazing. i started thinking things about 'the creation of the universe'. i started hoping that the Apollo would explode. when i came out afterwards, i felt like something in a bubble-wrap airmail envelope (maybe a snowglobe bought on eBay).

i changed my 'theme' on google

i think the message i'm trying to communicate subconsciously to myself is: i really want a cat. i'm moving flats soon, hopefully. i keep thinking about getting a cat. i'm unsure, though, about how good it would be for a cat to live in a pokey one-bedroom (probably) studio flat in Chorlton. does anyone reading this have a 'house cat'? what does the cat do all day? does it just sort of wander around the flat/house forlornly? does it do that thing where it sits in the window all day and stares outside? even if you don't have a cat, but just a strong opinion on keeping/not keeping a cat indoors, please leave your thoughts in the comments section. i really don't know. i'd look after it; balls of wool, food, etc. i just wonder if i'm being selfish. i really don't want to psychologically damage a cat or anything.

mysterious hopeless children vs. gigantic man-eating sharks

this evening i made an ultra-limited-edition, 1 of 1 copies children's picture book.

(click photos for larger view)

i want to do Jenn Ashworth's MA in 'Creative' Writing

outline of MA

application criteria

thanks for the CD, Duncan

i went to a prison today and read the first chapter of my novel and a short story and answered questions. it was organized by my friend Jenn. thanks, Jenn. it was fun. i was a tiny bit scared, but had a good time. i got called a 'bitch' at one point [1], but i think it was done in 'the nicest possible way'. maybe. or something. i just sat here, before i started writing this, and thought, 'why don't i write blog posts like i write emails to people?' i think i write emails to people differently to how i write blog posts. if they are 'proper' emails. i think i know what i mean.

context: i have had two pints and three home-made vodka jellies, and maybe i will have another small drink. in other words, i feel 'effusive'.

(is that okay? am i allowed to write whatever i want on my blog? please answer 'yes' or 'no' in the comments section. i would like to know. if i am supposed to only write one kind of thing, i would like to be made aware of this. if i am only supposed to do short sentences and updates, please tell me. now i feel like i'm not coming across correctly. like i'm being passive-aggressive. i'm not. i'm being 'deadly serious'. i'm not being that either. i just mean, 'i feel like i am coming across more drunk than i am, which is not very drunk at all -- maybe just a warm feeling in my cheeks -- and feel glad that i am writing this right now, even if tomorrow i will probably read it back and feel like it's a 'dreadful mistake' and delete it.')

i just had an idea. a pretentious idea. a very 'self involved', pretentious idea. but i figure, if you are reading this in the first place then maybe you are kind of interested in me or something or why would you still be reading this far down a blog post where so far nothing has happened? my idea was, 'i want to write a manifesto'. then there was a small pause. then i thought, 'or something.' maybe not exactly a manifesto. i think, sometimes, that i 'come across' wrong. that i meet a new person, and they get the wrong idea of me. that they think i have an 'ulterior motive' or something. so my plan is to write a list of my 'general motivations', to clear things up:

1. do not be cruel to someone. i mean it. if i feel like i am accidentally 'being cruel' to someone i will panic. (obviously, i have been cruel to people. i am not a 'saint' or anything. i have done horrible things, knowingly, in the past.) but as much as i can in my life that is an actual motivation. it will sometimes stop me from doing the things i want to do. and sometimes it will go too far, into a kind of 'selfless altruism'; where i become a 'little bitch' or something.

2. "if you want to do something, just do it". (this one is very cliched, and is usually negated by point no. 1.)

3. i just realised: i am not writing a manifesto. what a horrible idea. i'm not even writing a list of my 'general motivations' anymore. sorry. i've wasted your time.

4. i just wanted to say that i'm a nice person. that's all, i think. that i have no 'ulterior motives', usually.

5. i worry, if i am in a social situation, if 'everyone feels included'.

6. i will sometimes 'sacrifice' my own 'nice time' to make sure other people feel included.

7. i need to go for a wee.

8. i just came back from the toilet. i made myself a very strong vodka and orange.

9. i think people should just be nice to each other all the time.

10. i don't understand it, the idea of being a dick to people.

11. i think i lack testosterone or something.

12. i'm serious. i think i am testosterone deficient. i think if you put me on a special machine, it would be discovered that i am technically 'less of a man' than other men. i have the 'usual urges' of a 'male', but also a lack of wanting to get into 'typically male' situations.

13. i find a lot of things like that ridiculous; two men being very 'manly' about something. i don't know. i've never fit into that. not at school. not now. i don't understand it. i imagine, often, i would immediately be written-off as a 'big poof' or something.

14. i am listening to Sunset Rubdown, which Duncan Cheshire very kindly copied me. thanks, Duncan.

15. i don't know.

16. this is why i don't write more actual 'proper blog posts'.

17. it's strange, though. i hope i haven't come across as condescending or anything. i just don't understand a lot of things. i think if i meet a new person i come off as quite naive or something, but in truth it's more that i just don't want to 'take part' in certain ways of behaving. i see it like a choice: i can act a certain way and hate myself, or i can just be myself, and by doing things this way i will make less friends and some people will think i'm 'weird' or 'a twat' or 'simple' or 'acting out a part', but in truth i will just be happier with myself, and the friends i make will be actual friends.

18. or something.

19. i just want to 'have a nice time'. (if i am 100% honest, that is my only 'goal' in life at the moment.)

20. etc.

21. whatever.

chapbook reviews

'Paul Simon' was reviewed by What to Wear During an Orange Alert.
'Gravity's Rainbow/Mason & Dixon' was reviewed by Duncan Cheshire.

please microwave this poem

i put a cat's paw in my mouth
and it tasted of driveways

there is an American man somewhere
probably in America, possibly on holiday

i feel nothing
i feel like a daytime TV presenter

one time i tried to colour in an apple
with a red crayon

another time i walked along a street
and went into a shop and bought something

Helen Mirren, Julie Walters,
Lesley Josephs, Sarah Waters

someone should start a pub-toilet graffiti campaign:
'George Pepard' in permanent marker, roughly 14pt. font

i listened to a band on myspace
and felt like the end of the world had come

giant typhoon in the Philippines
vs. middle-class existential hissyfit

i have read The Night Watch twice through no fault of my own
last night i said "i want to re-write The Night Watch" and kind of meant it

mysterious hopeless children
vs. gigantic man-eating sharks

next thursday i am having a paddling-pool party
"BYO booze", "one at a time please", "no socks allowed"

i am inside the Arndale Center
please don't come and find me

i want to print 'I'm sorry' on business cards
1000 copies, really nice tasteful design

i just saw In Search of a Midnight Kiss
and thought, it's no Hannah Takes the Stairs

in the future everything will be
exactly the same.

i wish this was a video on youtube; i would watch it all week:

a stage. a cat walks on the stage on its hind legs. it's wearing a little bowtie and the top half of a tuxedo. it walks awkwardly towards a stereo (a bit like at the start of 'Stop Making Sense', the Talking Heads film) and presses play. the backing music to 'when the going gets tough' by Billie Ocean comes on. the cat picks up a miniature hairbrush and does a kind of awkward pirouette. the cat starts singing. most of the time it can only make approximations of the words, but in some instances actually sings the words. it sounds a bit like a strangled child. it gets some of the words wrong, like someone singing along to a song they like, but the song is in a foreign language. the cat sings two octaves higher than Billie Ocean. when it gets to the part where Kathleen Turner, Michael Douglas, and Danny DeVito are revealed in the actual music video (the "Oooh, can i touch you?" backing vocal part), the camera pans back to reveal three old women in white suits, dancing along and singing the backing vocals into normal-sized hairbrushes. they are wearing fake moustaches. at one point towards the end of the video, maybe during a saxophone solo, the cat attempts to do an intricate dance move and falls over. it goes back onto four legs and kind of skulks around for a couple of bars, and the old women scowl at it, but then it 'pulls itself together' and stands up again and sings the rest of the song. the song ends, and we hear clapping and the camera pans to reveal an auditorium filled with miniature swans, clapping their wings together.

socrates adams-florou / billy ocean

cass mccombs / floodlit swans

[i feel i should mention that putting youtube videos next to other youtube videos was a bit inspired by my friend Chris's series of untitled youtube diptychs]

les savy fav / cats

hefner / darren hayman

more swans

i wrote a thing about a swan. my thing is part two of a bigger thing:

part one
part two

i just got a 'fake' haircut. i just paid money to have someone do something to my hair for a while, so that when it was finished my hair looked exactly the same. i felt too confused and 'non-confrontational' to say anything.

i want to somehow go to a night in Manchester that is a cross between speed dating, The Crystal Maze, and a Sunday afternoon on your own.

i just got the urge to write 'I am getting married' on here, maybe in a separate post, just to read the kind of comments people would write. i am not getting married. my friend Mark is getting married on Saturday. i am going to go and watch him get married. there won't be anything more on here until after the marriage.

cardboard swan

i was supposed to be doing work this afternoon. i recorded a song, instead: WE MADE A SWAN. it was 'inspired' by a txt msg conversation. if you listen closely, you can hear my phone receiving one of the txt msgs, just after the first 'chorus'.

i'm going to do work now.
after i go to the post office.
and morrison's.
and other places.

yep.

new issue of transmission

i bought a copy of the new Transmission. i couldn't wait for my free one.


i'll give it to my friend Katy (who took the photo of me) i think. i look like a child molester in it.


oh good. they used my 'humorous annotation'.


i just got in from the pub and made myself a 'to do' list.


i just ate my second pot noodle in three days. i am going 'off the rails'.

everything is okay.

myspace

hi. i made a miniature swans myspace page this afternoon. there are three songs on it. one is about Blake Butler (i hope he doesn't mind). one is a Morrissey cover. one is about ... i don't know.

the miniature swans

i haven't posted anything on here for four days. i feel bad. i don't know.

i've been recording songs on my computer. i recorded 5 songs over the last 3 days -- 'proper' songs, with singing, etc.

i want to start a 'proper' band.

i want the band to be called the miniature swans.

the band is going to be called the miniature swans.

i am going to start the band.

i'm going to ask other people to join the band.

we will play gigs, etc.

i feel excited.

"Paul Simon meets Frankie Sparo" -- 0/10 NME
"fuck this shit" -- MOJO
"electrifying" -- Thomas Pynchon

talented tiny break-dancing child

my friend Mark told me today that the tiny break-dancing child i once wrote about in this upbeat, light-hearted story has just won Britain's Got Talent.

also, i am buying a swan.

'world's greatest concertos' by frog eyes 5 pt. font mp3 player

i want to own a miniature mp3 player which is about the size of a new 5p. it just has one song on it; 'world's greatest concertos' by frog eyes. i could keep it in my wallet and then press it and it would transmit the sound directly from my thumb to my brain whenever i wanted.

the best i can do is post it as a link which i can click on and is easier than opening windows media player (until it is obscured by other posts by which time i will have stopped being obsessed with it anyway)

i like how it sounds kind of upbeat but also frantic and a bit insane. it sounds kind of how i've been feeling recently.

lyrics: I know what she said / And the witch heard what she said to / "Hold the fucking waters / And freeze the burning waters / But don't dry your clothes / The woodcutter is dead / And his girls cut instead / His ghost is seen in trees / And he put his love in tarry knees / Born between walls / Don't hold my body in pitch / My body is BORN ALL DAY LONG / Bastards born in pitch lost, / lost, through allocations / Correcting the king / The trees their limbs in the wind they swing / What portents do they bring / Hobos and songs they sing, / "We Eat Stones!" / Encapsulate the body / And emasculate the body / And hold the burning waters / The tubs of burning waters / Holiday! / The trees are bones and / Dipped in wax and burning cones / And call a celebration / The master's burnt in his burning station: WE ARE THE STOVES! / The maid, the fox, the children, the locks / And the same wretched song /Everybody sings / The woodcutter is heard to sing; / bodies born to ding / So hold my body and ding my body and / I heard what she said and / I know what she said / "I said it, I said it, I said it, I said it," / I heard what she said and / I know what she said / "I said it, I said it, I said it, I said it," / Baby's got a cold, /And the crying's getting old / The same wretched song / Clean up the bamboo / And save the world too / The same wretched song / The Same wretched song / Oh the same wretched song

unimaginative paragraph of news:

i went to London. i came back again. while i was away, a wikipedia page about me was created and then deleted (due to me not being 'important/significant' enough or something and being a 'real person'). internettle wrote a really good review of Gravity's Rainbow / Mason & Dixon with photos and notes. Pete Wild emailed to tell me that a short story i wrote is going to be in Paint a Vulgar Picture, a Smiths-themed fiction anthology, published by Serpent's Tail early next year i think. very excited about this. also found out, just before i left, that another short story of mine is going to be in an anthology called Born in the 1980s, by Route Publishing. i think it comes out at the end of this year, maybe. this is an old story. it was longlisted for the 2006 Bridport prize (no.22). i still like it quite a bit. hooray. also there is now a myspace page for the reading night ('there's no point in not being friends with someone if you want to be friends with them') that i'm starting up with Sally Cook. please friend the reading night if you have a myspace and live in manchester and would like to come to it or read at it. i think there will be 'open mike' slots. the details are still being 'finalised'.