please come to the reading night tonight

foreign films, music, a dead bird, fishing, the 80s, wool/string/etc., the houses of parliament, pigeons, cordless phones, sea creatures (long cucumber-shaped things, etc.), Larry David, an apple, Iceland (the country, not the supermarket), Windows Media Player, a sleeping bag, my face, Holly Johnson (a country singer? not completely sure, might have made her up), letters, witches, READING NIGHT, the song 'Twins' by Cass McCombs, a fretless bass, wristbands, hairlips, plastic, a hand, a small girl walking along, the maltese falcon, nits, sexual escapades, tie-dye, fruit flavoured chewing gum, hoola hoops, dentures, hollywood icons (Denis Quaid, etc.), stairs, winter vegetables, tabards, the band 'The Music', frosting, horrible silence, break-ups, etc.

No Point in Not Being Friends 2

hi, if you live in Manchester, please come to the second No Point In Not Being Friends night.

it starts at 8pm, on Tuesday the 26th, in the Basement Bar of the Deaf Institute, just off Oxford Road.

fiction and poetry from: Annie Clarkson, Emma Unsworth, Zack Wilson, Richard Barrett, Emma Lannie, Michael Halmshaw, a video-reading from Sam Pink, and i will be reading something too.

and, hopefully, something from Ben Davis again.

and music from Thomas Western.

if you write poetry or short stories, and you'd like to read them on the night, there will be four or five open mic slots. it won't be too scary, i promise. last time everyone was very nice and listened carefully and clapped at the end. there was no booing or heckling. please email in advance if you definitely want to get on, but last time only one person did, so you could just come along with something printed out in your pocket and probably get on.

it should be fun.

(also, it's free.)

i'm listening to Titus Andronicus.

£11.99.

i went home for four days.

i made some notes on my second novel, provisionally titled 'Sexy Vampires'.

the notes were all about 'sexiness'.

they said things like 'too sexy?' and sometimes 'not sexy enough'.

one note was about the possibility of bite marks in a penis.

'would the fangs come out the other side?'

etc.

i read the thing Colin Bassett wrote about my blog and felt strange and kind of agreed.

'no power'

i'm not sure how 'calm' or whatever i am though.

now i want to destroy my blog, very slowly.

the thing above about 'Sexy Vampires' is the first step in my 100-point plan to destroy my blog.

i am going to post one destructive thing on here, for 100 days, until my blog is destroyed.

it will be 'the next 'supermarket nightmare' novel' except without a plot or anything.

just 'wild' self-conscious destruction.

i don't think i'm being serious.

i saw the cover for the German version of The Bird Room today. that was exciting. i printed it out and showed it to my parents.

Das Vogel Zimmer.

i've been writing another thing, as well as 'Sexy Vampires'. it's just short chapters. i think it will have 100 chapters or so. it makes no sense. i guess it's a 'Brautigan', kind of. i'm having fun writing it. not sure what i'm going to do when it's finished. maybe another chapbook, or something. or a separate blog. here is one of the chapters:

Binoculars

Misha attached two cats together and made a pair of binoculars. The pair of binoculars were hard to look through because they were wriggling around and hissing. Misha looked at me through the binoculars for a long time. Then she spoke.

‘You look very handsome and far away and covered in fur,’ she said.

‘Great,’ I said.

Misha eventually dis-attached the cats and put them down on the floor and they ran off in opposite directions.

‘Let’s get something to eat,’ she said, smiling, her cheeks all scratched and bleeding.

Ken Baumann

this post is part of a 'giant blogging thing' organised by Brandon Gorrell. the plan was to all post simultaneous articles about other internet writers at the same time, creating something, i don't know what exactly, maybe a giant black whole in the internet. mass hysteria. instant celebrity. nervous breakdowns. i don't know. anyway, Brandon 'assigned' people to write about other people: i was assigned Ken Baumann. i think Colin Bassett was assigned me. anyway, here is my Ken Baumann post:


information about Ken Baumann

Ken Baumann just turned nineteen. he lives in America. he does a lot of things on the internet. he writes stories and poems. he has a website and a blog. he has just completed a novel. he edits the online litmag NO POSIT and co-edits the print mag NO COLONY (with Blake Butler). he also helps maintain an online 'artist collective' called BRAIN. is that all Ken Baumann does? nope. he also acts full-time in a TV programme in America which i think is quite popular, but i'm not sure exactly how popular.


interview with Ken Baumann

please describe an 'average day' in the life of Ken Baumann

hmm. when i'm working: i wake up early, most days around 6am, and drive to the warner brothers ranch studios. i arrive, eat breakfast, then work 4-10 hours most days filming a television show called The Secret Life of the American Teenager. I get home, read, or spend time with friends, go on the internet for at least 1 hour a day, then sleep.

if i'm not working (i'm not working now, the show is on a hiatus), i generally wake up, eat, swim for 1-3 hours, eat, spend time with friends, read, and go on the internet for at least 2-5 hours.

hmm. i feel 75% satisfied with that answer, let's continue (.)(?)


you're editing NO COLONY with Blake Butler, right? can you explain how that came about -- the merge of NO POSIT and LAMINATION COLONY, and also talk a bit about your experience of working with Blake?

i am. NO COLONY came about really fast, i feel. i commented on one of his posts on a blog, mentioned that we should do a print journal. he agreed, and i think he emailed me the next day. in retrospect, i think that me running NO POSIT really helped me, i think blake definitely knew that i was committed because of it. for NO COLONY, he had some pieces he could insert from authors he had solicited from LC. i got excited. derek white of calamari press sent him info about pricing and format, who to use. then we just said, 'let's do it' and did it. we started soliciting work from authors we liked. people responded. pre-orders came in, we found an artist who would let us use her art for free for the front cover ( juliespeed.com )

as far as the title: we were gchatting and i suggested NO COLONY. he immediately said yes.

it will be here soon.

working with blake is a kind of heaven. he is totally receptive to all ideas, really nice, willing to work/help. we both had the same aesthetic in mind for the literature and art involved with NC, which was good. it made things easy and fun.


i didn't realise you spent so much time acting. i guess i sort of knew from somewhere that you had been in some things, but it sounds like a full-time job. is it difficult balancing writing and acting? is one more 'important' to you?

I don't find balancing writing and acting difficult. they are different beasts. i love acting and writing very much. acting seems like more of an escape, and more of a challenge. writing seems like a confrontation with myself. writing is very lonely, acting is not. acting supports me, pays the bills, writing does not. they are both equally important to me. i see myself writing until the day i die, though, and not the other way around. acting takes stamina. my stamina will diminish.


what is your favourite thing you've published online? (please supply link and say why)

either this story at titular journal ( http://www.titular-journal.com/035.htm ) or this poem at juked ( http://juked.com/2007/08/cake.asp )

i like looking at them on my computer screen. they both make me smile and laugh. i can't decide between the two.


what is your least favourite thing you've published online? (ditto)

http://www.darkenergysf.com/stories/ConscienceGuide.htm i wrote it in 15 minutes and edited it for 5 minutes when i was 14. i feel like that story was written by a different person. i was mentally a very different person. hmm.


how do you feel about living in America in 2008? (please answer this question with one digital photograph of yourself)



what would you like to be doing, ten years from now? (please answer this question with one pre-existing youtube video of anything you like)




i keep listening to Casy and Brian at the moment. do you like Casy and Brian?

oh wow, yes. i hadn't heard of them until now. i really like them.


have you ever thought about writing/acting in something of your own -- making your own short films?

i have considered the idea, yes. i will be directing my first 'serious' short film soon, based on my recently completed novel. i will not be acting in it. maybe one day the acting/writing venture will happen, but i'm not actively working toward it.


you just completed a novel. congratulations. please draw something on microsoft (or equivalent) about your novel.

http://artpad.art.com/gallery/?k58t9vojee4


list of other participants in the 'giant blogging' thing:

Blake Butler writes about Mike Bushnell
Brandon Gorrell writes about Colin Bassett
Chris Killen writes about Ken Baumann
Colin Bassett writes about Chris Killen
Connor O'Brien writes about Tao Lin
Gena Mohwish writes about Sam Pink
Gene Morgan writes about Noah Cicero
Jereme Dean writes about Blake Butler
Jillian Clark writes about Kathryn Regina
Justin Rands writes about Matthew Savoca
Kathryn Regina writes about Kendra Malone
Ken Baumann writes about Jereme Dean
Kendra Malone writes about Brandon Gorrell
Matthew Savoca writes about Gena Mohwish
Mike Bushnell writes about Zachary German
Noah Cicero writes about Shane Jones
Sam Pink writes about Justin Rands
Shane Jones writes about Jillian Clark
Stephen Daniel Lewis writes about Two Tears Boy
Tao Lin writes about Gene Morgan
Two Tears Boy writes about Connor O'Brien
Zachary German writes about Stephen Daniel Lewis

i am reading at these things:

August 26th - No Point in Not Being Friends (Manchester)

September 20th - 'Home' book launch by these people (Derby)

October 22nd - Manchester Blog Awards (Manchester)

[i know the last two are a long time away, i'm mostly writing them on here now so i don't forget.]

also, The Bird Room is on Goodreads now. if you've read it, please give it stars. (i gave it two.)

ms paint preview of second novel:

long interview

i have an interview with Pirooz M. Kalayeh on his blog Shikow. the interview is quite a long one. it took a few months, but that was mostly because i was taking a long time to answer the questions. i don't know why i took so long to answer the questions, but feel like i got my 'comeuppance' when i read "February 20th - August 4th".

February 20th - August 4th is how long it will take anyone to do an email interview with me, if anyone wants to do one. (chriskillen@gmail.com)

also, there's a song on there, that Pirooz and myself made by email. that was really fun to do. i did most of the music parts, and then Pirooz added vocals, electric drums and maybe some other instruments.

gigantic 'viral marketing' campaign:

Today

i went to the morrisons today, and looked at the fish counter for a while. trout, sea bass, an eel. all sorts of fish. most of them still had faces. it was strange, they were on a bed of icecubes. a man in a uniform came up behind the counter and said, 'need any help, pal?' and i said, 'no, thanks, i'm just having a look.'

before i went into the morrisons, i stood next to a motorised poster by the entrance. juice, a holiday company, something else.

it's four-something in the morning. i feel too tired to move all the piles of crap off my bed.

i just found a new band i like a lot. the band aren't new. two of the members died, one quite recently. i can't decide which of the songs on the myspace page i like the most. i don't know why i have to decide, but right now it feels like i do. either 'swing low' or 'statistic wigs'. oh god. um. okay then. 'swing low.' i'm going to put that song on my myspace page when i've finished typing this. more info and mp3s of the band here and here.

'dan bejar was in the new pornographers.' i forgot that and then remembered it today, much earlier on, around 2pm in the afternoon.

i'm having a good time 'wearing a moustache'. it feels like a practical joke. not sure if i'm playing the joke on myself or everyone else. maybe both.

the next reading night is booked for the last Tuesday of August, whatever date that is. we don't have as many readers scheduled yet. i think i'm going to read something at this one. possibly a dating advert. more info nearer the time.

what about 'strangled planet', though? i like that song a lot too -- the female vocals at the start.

also: holy shit

Filmography

saw maybe five minutes of Child's Play 3 on TV, changing channels

External Links

www.morrisons.co.uk
www.dayofmoustaches.blogspot.com
www.wikipedia.org

late supermarket nightmare publicity

my untitled 'supermarket nightmare' novel was reviewed on Internettle Soup.

The Number Twenty Two

The number twenty two (13 April 1939 – 22 December 1981) was a number that directly followed the number twenty one and preceded the number twenty three.

For much of its life, the number twenty two was a celebrated minimalist poet, although it drifted towards criticism of postmodern architecture in its later years. In the summer of 1980, the number twenty two was often found in the shadow of the Transamerica Pyramid, staring into a glass of tepid water.

Much of the number twenty two’s major poetic work is still taught in Canadian colleges and South American Baptist churches.

The number twenty two was said to have been highly disappointed with James Belushi’s contribution to the motion picture comedy K-9. It is believed that this disappointment led to the number twenty two’s death.

Selected bibliography

The Fisted Ham Tree (1955; published posthumously, 1998)

In Preceding My Enemies (1971)

Robert Venturi Ate My Toes (1979)

[submitted by Sam Oborne, thanks Sam]

John

John is a noun. Some people mistakenly think it is a name from a thing called the Bible? It is not. It is a man who pays a girl for sex.

A John can come in all shapes, sizes and smells; big (like Fatty Clinger, my first John), little, round, red, etc. Some Johns are missing limbs, giving rise to terms like "the one-armed John" and "Gimp John." The primary feature that determines a John from a Larry, Harry, or plain old Dick is that a John always has something a whore wants, and sex play is what the whore barters. A Larry or Harry may on occasion have what a hooker is looking for---money, cocaine, or a "legit" available role he is casting in an upcoming Hollywood movie----but usually a Larry or Harry will not know how to use the barter system effectively to get play.

Johns can be of any nationality, with the exception of people from ________, as they are involved in illegal child sex trafficking, especially stealing children from Cambodia. Keep in mind a kidnapped child can NEVER ever be considered a whore, thus a kidnapper should never ever be confused with a John). I have experienced work as a hooker with Asian, Columbian, Caucasian, Arab, and other nationalities. Depending on the Johns native culture, a Johns requirements and expectations will vary. For example, Italian Johns generally want their hookers to do perverted things to horses, or other large animals, in exchange for haute couture fashion items, such as fine leather boots and handbags. Because these items can be gotten very cheaply by the Italian John, the hiring of prostitutes is very common in New York City among Italian businessmen. Nomenclature also varies according to nationality. Again, using as an example the Italian John, the nomenclature includes words/phrases such as "Foto mi," "cullo" and "Domani," (the latter term mostly being used at time payment in full is due).

Some John's are very nice and can speak several languages at once, which can be confusing for a girl, but also educational. Johns can be friends. Be nice to them.

[submitted by Suzy Devere, thanks Suzy]

everybody put your body on my body

i made a dance song with my friend Socrates yesterday.

i also did a new version of a miniature swans song.

i am having fun with the keyboards i bought off eBay.

i have a moustache at the moment. i was in a pub last night and a man i didn't know came up to my table and described my moustache as 'dreadful' and told me to shave it off. he said it made me look like a Turkish popstar or something, and said the name of the Turkish popstar. i got him to write the name down in my notebook. apparently i look like this at the moment.

The Pancreas

The pancreas (b. Middlesex Hospital [demolished], 2003) is a badly designed wet pistol. Sometimes, it is burned rubber; at other times, it is mischievous crystal. It has two tubes – one crinkly, the other smoo-ooth – and they look like they are saying, “Hello!” “Goodbye!” “Hello!” “Goodbye!” Underneath its long arm, it carries its gold coins with which to buy soul records – proper soul, mind – Stax and Volt, none of that Motown nonsense. If you walk over its stony path, the pancreas gives off a chummy hum, grasshoppers scatter, and frogs rub up against the hard skin on the outside of your little toes. If you slip along its cousin’s shiny concourse, you could end up in the capital of a foreign power, a once enemy; or by a beach with pebbles and Ice-Gem-shaped cupolas. The pancreas’s second cousin lost its head on the way to Rome, you know – no, really. The pancreas counts among its friends: the stomach (a frightfully uppity young thing from Wisconsin), the duodenum (twins from that trailer park on the other side of the milk line), the common bile duct (a surfer whose board is made from strips of that whip-like red liquorice), and the gall bladder (a pre-teen Japanese pop star with extra-strong-mint eyes). You can find them at night, hands in pockets, hanging out at the 24-hour bodega or gunning their hot rods and muscle cars on the lonesome rain-swept roads of the islets of langehans.

External Links

http://www.pancreas.org/
http://www.joplink.net/

Image gallery

http://www.bartleby.com/107/illus1098.html http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:StPancrasMidlandHotel.jpg

[submitted by Steve Finbow, cheers Steve]

Chickpeas

Contrary to popular belief, chickpeas are not the mummified brains of young chickens. Chickpeas were invented by Italo Calvino in 4016BC. Recent archaeological evidence and new translations show that the fruit that eve ate in the garden of Eden was in fact a chickpea. Chickpeas are farmed in the steppes of the Himalayas by specially certified monks. The chickpeas harvest is the focal point for the farming community, where effigies of Mel Gibson are burnt. This festival has been practised for at least 400 centuries. Every 19 years a chickpea king is chosen and the king has to control the publicity and advertising of chickpeas.

Nutritional value

Per 100g
Happiness 12g
Evil 14g
DNA 12%
Yes 3g
Sleep J 98% of RDA
Sleep K 5% of RDA

Discography

Can’t get enough of your love, babe ( with Barry White, 1974)

External Links

http://chickpeasaregood.blogspot.com/
http://www.chickpeasforpresident.org/

[submitted by Adam Coates, thanks Adam]

wikipedia vs. moustache interviews

a lot of people are submitting wikipedia entries. it's good. thanks. i have two more 'scheduled' for tomorrow. if anyone wants to submit a wikipedia entry on something, email it to me.

no one has got in touch about moustache interviews, though. (see this post for more information.)

i wrote a 'limited edition poem' on DRUNK last night.

Small Birds

Small birds (b. India, 1976) appear in a sequence, starting with 'average' small birds like budgies, pigeons (do pigeons count? are they small enough? i am going to say yes), moving through more 'festive' small birds like the robin, and 'novelty' small birds (i.e. talking ones), leading eventually to the 'king of small birds', the crested norwich canary.

the crested norwich canary doesn't have a head. once i looked at a video on the internet of two crested norwich canaries sitting on perches in a birdcage, trying awkwardly to move around without being able to see. one managed to hop in an ungainly fashion onto another perch.

the 'design' of the crested norwich canary eschews 'practicality' and 'survival' instead focussing on 'the absurd' and a 'dada-ist approach' to being a small bird. the crested norwich canary has transcended function and the ability to see/move around properly.

Filmography

???????
???????
that video i saw on the internet

External Links

http://www.canaryadvisor.com/norwich-canary.html
http://journals.cafepress.com/item/dark-crested-norwich-canary-journal/219521344
http://pets.webshots.com/album/63301167Vohqbg

Electricity Pylons

Electricity Pylons (b. 1928). Electricity Pylons are mapping the earth, feeding electricity in to our power stations, factories, shopping centres, airports, railway stations, multi-story car parks, leisure facilities, homes and gated communities. Without Electricity Pylons there would be no point to modernity; there would be nothing to do; nothing would work. Without their – almost silent – drone floating through the countryside, and their menacing, latticed presence eking towards every horizon we would, essentially, regress back to the slime mould from whence we came. We owe Electricity Pylons our lives.

Common Design

There are many different types of Electricity Pylon, the most common of which is the high voltage AC or DC transmission pylon which is either monopolar or bipolar in usage and design. Some Electricity Pylons carry multitudinous circuits of varying voltages, paralleling circuits of 380kV, 220 Kv and 110 kV is common in most structures. Most suspension Pylons carry three conductors.

Notable Electricity Pylons

Hyperboloid Pylon, Nizhniy Novgorod, Russia.
Tower Pylons of Cádiz.
HVDC Distance Pylon, Dorsey Converter Station, Rosser, Manitoba.

External Links

http://en.structurae.de/structures/ftype/index.cfm?id=2018 http://www.gorge.org/pylons/ http://www.redbubble.com/groups/pylon-photos-and-art/art
http://myinsulators.com/hungary/transmission.html

[submitted by Lee Rourke, cheers Lee]

Twine

Twine was first discovered in Missouri in 1853 when a farmer left his rope out in the rain overnight. Twine is usually measured by the foot, or yard, or British metre.

The price of twine is always dependent on the strength of the Japanese Yen, no matter what country it is sold, manufactured, or grown in"

In 1993, Danish scientists found that a single yard of twine used to bind a stack of newspapers for recycling had as many CFCs as 14,000 Styrofoam cups. This led civic leaders to push licorice as an alternative method to binding your newspapers. Licorice contains no CFC’s.

Other uses for twine include:

-Tying around a memory so that it doesn’t run away

-A binding agent for any and all types of vegetable hamburger substitutes

-In Maldives, if a small boy has been bad, his father will tie twine around his finger so that shopkeepers will not sell him sweets.

[submitted by Jason Lee Norman, thanks Jason]

wanted: people for interviews

i'm making a short documentary.

if you are either: a woman of any age or: a man with a moustache, and you would like to be in my documentary, please email me.

if you live in manchester, i would like to meet you briefly and ask you a couple of questions. i will film the interview. it will only take a few minutes. if you live somewhere else in the world and have access to some kind of digital recording thing -- video camera, normal camera that takes short movies with sound, etc. -- you can also be involved. i can't pay anyone or anything, but you would get to be in the short documentary. and if you live in or around manchester and could meet me in the city centre or something, i'll pay for a tea or coffee or fruit juice or bottled water or whatever.

women
men with moustaches
please get in touch.

Ghosts

Ghosts (b. 1950) are lonely. Also vengeful. A ghost’s breath smells like sweetcorn. Its sweat smells like peanuts. Its urine smells like urine. If you meet a ghost, talk to it. But don’t pry. Many ghosts are still sensitive about their demise. In spite of their reputation, ghosts enjoy being photographed. However, they are incredibly vain. Given fair warning, decent light and complete creative control, it is relatively easy to get a satisfying photograph of a ghost. Hurricanes are vengeful ghosts. Certain kinds of fishing line are ghosts. The moon is horribly alone and is also a ghost. Ghosts are great fans of fine art. They are fierce and unforgiving critics but find it difficult to suppress their howls of sorrow and are thereby unwelcome at many galleries. Also, ghosts like motorcycles.

Styles of Ghost

Underwater Ghost
Bossa Nova Ghost
Ghost with Claws

External Links

www.ghosts.net
www.ablogaboutghosts.blogspot.com
www.poorpatrickswayze.tv


[submitted by Crispin Best, cheers, Crispin]

W. Axl Rose

W. Axl Rose (b. 1985, Basingstoke, UK) is the frontman of popular pop/rock combo The Guns And Also The Roses. Prior to forming the band, Rose was a child actor, whose most notable role was playing ‘Data’ in The Goonies. The Guns And Also The Roses have sold in excess of many records - more than Def Leppard, but less than AC/DC.

Rose has previously dated Nicole Kidman, Sarah Ferguson, Kirsten Dunst and Bret Michaels.

Rose is also known for technological innovations. In 1991, he patented a new form of lycra material exclusively for rock stars in which the wearer creates the illusion of possessing an engorged member. The following year Rose put motorcycle wheels on a piano and rode it from California to the other side of California to raise awareness about himself. In 1996 he invented tartan, which remains popular in Scotland and several bars in New York to this day.

His current whereabouts are unknown.

Discography

Live ?!@* Like A Suicide (Uzi Sucide,1986)

Appetite For Destruction (Geffen, 1987)

The Rest (Geffen, 1998 – present day)

Notable appearances

Vengaboys, ‘The Vengaboys Are Coming’ (1999, keyboards, uncredited)

The Bill (ITV, 2003, ‘Shoplifter #2’)

An Audience With Axl Rose (ITV, 2006)

External Links

www.thegunsandalsotheroses.com

www.mycornrowsarefly.com

www.howtoacheivedemocracyinchina.com

[submitted by Ben Myers, thanks Ben]

India

India (b. India, 1976) was the first ever country and is a sad tooth. It belonged to a shark with a two hundred mile circumference. On a Saturday afternoon the shark bit a huge rock, mistaking it for plankton. One of its teeth fell instantly out and became lodged on the sea bed. The shark died. It was horrible. Its tooth was so lonely it became a country. India let people live on it but it preferred sharks really. In the eighties India tried to grow the shark back. But it only grew China and remained unhappy.

Rivers

Each person made of India left behind a dent the same size. The dents had so much in common they decided to live together. They sang songs, played table tennis and had invisible sex. But mostly they just cried and eventually became rivers, like the Jhelum, the Ravi, the Tapti, the Krishner, the Godavari. The Ganges is nearly a million dents long.

Filmography

Ghandi
Earth
Monsoon Wedding

External Links

www.india.blogspot.com
www.indiaheals.com
www.presidentofindia.nic.in

[submitted by Gary Cansell, thanks Gary]

video poem / amazon

i have a very short video poem up at Here Explodes My Giant Face. Colin Bassett's is very good, too. i like the idea of this site.

also, strangely, the Bird Room amazon page has changed. now you can pre-order it, but can no longer write reviews. there is a 'discussion' bit, though. it might only let UK people discuss it, but if you're bored at work, why not contribute to the 'huge online buzz' and write in the discussion bit? i think it would be funny to read 'discussions' about it, 6 months or so before it comes out. it would be really obvious that you know me/i have prompted you to discuss it.

Dinosaurs

Dinosaurs (b. India, 1976) come in three flavors. Melon, Lychee and Watercress. Melon dinosaurs are capable, like all dinosaurs, of levitation, but prefer to be held. Lychee dinosaurs are carnivorous and I should know. (I'm missing a pinky finger and my index from the second knuckle up.) Watercress dinosaurs are very shy and spook easily. They are quite well-read, though. All dinosaurs weigh 1.2 pounds until the moment of death, at which point they evaporate. Dinosaurs invented the scratch-and-sniff concept later popularized by stickers and rare, expensive wall-papers often used in the homes of hip hop stars.

Filmography

The Land Before Time
Space Jam

TV Appearances

Aaahh!!! Real Monsters (Nickelodeon, Season Two, 1995)

External Links

dinostore.com
dinosaurs.blogspot.com

[submitted by Catherine Lacey, thanks Catherine.]

the bird room on amazon

i just found out that The Bird Room is on Amazon. you can't order it or anything yet, but it does look like you can write reviews. if you've read it -- if i emailed you a draft, or lent you the proof -- and you're bored, please write a review. i'll buy you a pint or something. (or paypal you the money for a pint.)

also: i like Casey and Brian. listening to them makes me feel like a small child at a wedding reception, hyped up on coca cola and the attention of strange relatives, running around a large hall in smart clothing, skidding on my knees and eating cake and later going home in the car and lying in bed with my head buzzing, unable to sleep.

and: i edited the film of the first No Point in Not Being Friends night. it's really dark, the 'camera work' gets progressively worse (drunk), and i forgot to record the open mic slots. still, it maybe gives you an idea of what it was like.

Moustaches

Moustaches (b. India, 1976) are a kind of facial hair. Like a beard, but smaller. Just on the top lip. A moustache implies one or more of the following things: 'power', 'confusion', 'the seventies', 'insecurity', 'a moment of weakness', 'a 'crazy' person', 'historical dictator', 'Morgan Spurlock', 'a paedo', 'a big, strong body', 'mystery', 'the eschewing of 'social convention' either ironically or for other more serious reasons', 'someone halfway through shaving, messing around', or 'a rock musician'. Moustaches are mostly found on men. Women can have moustaches, too, but they are usually smaller/more wispy/unintentional.

Classifications

The Dali, the Chaplin, the Sea Lion, the Coconut, the Hitler (very similar to the Chaplin -- mostly signified by the facial expression of the wearer), the Faulkner, the Hamsun, the Brautigan, the Gatorade, the Fu Manchu, the Milk Moustache (n.b. not real), the Gentleman Jim, the Shopping List, the Motivator, the Concorde, the Aviator, the Dandy, etc.

Filmography

Three Men and a Baby
Three Men and a Little Lady
Hamsun (Ian McKellen playing Knut Hamsun, i think -- haven't seen this one, but would like to. have seen front cover/poster. fantastic moustache.)
Don't Look Now (especially during, and directly after the sex scene)

External Links

www.groooming.com
www.tomselleck.blogspot.com
www.myspace.com/ihaveamoustache

Cats

Cats (b. India, 1974), are animals. Cats walk around and go under cars. Sometimes they come out of alleyways and have a look at you. One time I owned one and it would do things like go into the garden, and look at birds, and sometimes go underneath my dad's car. My cat was called 'Frisky'. Other cats have other names, things like: 'Gentleman Jim' and 'Fuckwand' and 'Marmeduke.' I don't know if those are real cat names. I just made them up. My cousin has a cat called 'Linford'. Other people I know have cats called things like 'Pixie' and 'Elvis'. I once saw something on the internet about a cat circus. There were cats wearing clown costumes, balancing on balls, etc. Cats can be trained. Cats also live in the wild.

Other Types of Cat

Lion (like a normal cat but larger and more dangerous)
Tiger (see Lion above)
Wild Cat (like a 'house cat' but stays outside)

Filmography

Homeward Bound the Incredible Journey 1&2
Pet Cemetary
A Fistful of Dollars or For A Few Dollars More (briefly -- gets scared by a gunshot and runs offscreen about an hour and a bit in)

External Links

www.cats.com
www.cats.blogspot.com
www.myspace.com/cats

wikipedia

i have decided to change my blog into an online encyclopaedia (like wikipedia). my one is also going to be called 'wikipedia'. i am going to write articles about people and things. i've started off with an article about the actor Christian Bale (see post below). if you want to find an article about something, just use the search bar at the top.

like the other wikipedia, you can write articles about things and post them on here. just email them to me.

Christian Bale

Biography

Christian Bale (b. India, 1976), is a Hollywood actor. He has been in some films like The Machinist and Empire of the Sun. Christian Bale's first words were, "I want to be an actor." Christian Bale lives in Beverly Hills. Christian Bale avidly watches the TV comedy Scrubs. Christian Bale likes going out socialising. Sometimes Christian Bale stays in and has a read. Christian Bale has impeccable dress-sense. Christian Bale eats seafood. Christian Bale has a 'special place' somewhere in his house which no one is allowed to go in. Christian Bale once mentioned God and Hitler in the same conversation, and was misunderstood and upset a person, but later explained himself (Christian Bale had had a few drinks by this point) and the person no longer felt so upset. Christian Bale blogs here: www.christianbale.blogspot.com. Christian Bale doesn't particularly like the novels of Richard Brautigan, describing them as, "Not my thing -- too hippyish and whimsical."

Historical Overview

Christian Bale, moving through the world, slowly getting older. Acting in films. Thinking occasionally about "9/11". Once in conversation with someone about The Tudors. Christian Bale vs. Peak Oil. Christian Bale directly contributing to the success of Blockbuster Video. Christian Bale going for a walk one day, as an old man.

Filmography

Empire of the Sun (1980s? -- played this role as a child)
American Psycho (2000-ish)
The Machinist (lost weight for this role -- maybe 2003)
The Dark Knight (right now)

External Links

www.christianbale.com
www.myspace.com/christianbale
www.christianbale.blogspot.com

i want Wesley Snipes to google "Wesley Snipes" and look at every single entry and on page 3179 of Google look at a picture of my dismantled laptop

the 'b' key on my laptop is working again. i attached a new keyboard. it was kind of scary and thrilling. i felt like Wesley Snipes in a mid-nineties film about laptop repairs. (i don't think that picture gives a true representation of the 'collected shit' found in and beneath my laptop keyboard though. maybe i'd wiped it with a tissue by that point. there was enough hairs to make a small wig plus 'bonus' dried breadcrumbs and flakes and other things i don't even want to think about.)

i received the 'slang' issue of Mercy magazine in the post, too.

i have a story in this issue. it came out in March this year, and after about half a year delay or something. so the story is very old. i think if you click on the picture you can read it, maybe, depending on how big your computer is, and how good your eyes are. if it's really small and illegible, and you want to read it, email me and i'll send it to you. it's just something silly. (i didn't do the picture or specify that bit of 'graffiti' at the top.)

my story is completely eclipsed on the following two pages by this thing by Kathryn Cooper:

good work, Kathryn.

i will edit the video of the reading night either at the weekend or next week. i need to get a special lead off Socrates, first. if you read at the night and don't want to be included in the video, please email me. or if you want like a black square over your face or something. i'm only going to use a couple of lines from each person. it'll be very very short. a 'teaser'.

i have lots of things forthcoming, too: three or four stories in small print things, a 900-word online dating advert, an interview, an article, and a strange 'conversation' in the next Canongate Meet at the Gate magazine between the main character in my novel and someone else's main character.

i'm sorry if i've not sent anyone emails or anything recently. i don't know what happened. i kind of freaked out for a while. one day i went into town and tried to 'reinvent' myself. i wandered around Affleck's Palace, bought a 'western style' shirt, got my nose pierced, then had a haircut. i felt like i was playing a strange computer game. i feel a lot better about things now. mostly because of the 'b' key.

the reading night i helped organize worked out really well. i liked looking at my facebook newsfeed afterwards, and see people who didn't previously know each other write nice things to each other. success.