"hand shandy"

a 'hand shandy' is a colloquial british expression for manipulating the male genitals until orgasm occurs.

i made a song with my friend 'Socrates'.

i got tagged in an internet meme thing by sam pink, and have tagged some more people

The Bird Room can now be reviewed on amazon. there are 8 customer reviews, from the amazon 'vine (tm) programme'. it is averaging a 3 star review, i think.

i got tagged by sam pink to write 7 things about myself.

1. i grew a beard and felt strange and then shaved it off recently and still felt strange.

2. i have about 24% self confidence at the moment, i think.

3. i am wearing a pair of fingerless gloves. typing feels odd.

4. the amazon reviewer Z. Herbert "solaan" wrote, 'I have read work by children aged eight that is better written and more interesting than this dismal effort. What a struggle to read it and to keep the discipline to reach the last page!' and 'The only surprise I found is how such poor writing manages to find a publisher.' about my novel.

5. i'm reading Brighton Rock at the moment. i liked the part where Mr Drewitt says, 'Sometimes ... I have an urge to expose myself - shamefully - in a park.'

6. the amazon reviewer Wilz "wilson9hb" wrote, 'I kept going to see if there was any improvement, a point to the story line or a move away from the infantile present tense ramblings peppered with dreary sexual encounters that leaves you wondering why the participants bothered.' and 'I finished feeling depressed both by the book and the time wasted in reading it!'

7. i watched the film Elf at Christmas, and now i have a big crush on Zooey Deschanel.

i have to tag 7 people now, i think.

i am tagging:

Tao Lin
Brandon Scott Gorrell
Zooey Deschanel
Sam Pink (again)
Shane Jones
Crispin Best
and, um, the girl who works at the weekends in the Somerfield near me.

(i won't feel insulted or anything if the people i tagged don't write things about themselves or completely ignore this post.)

i will post more interviews with people soon.

selected online writing

short stories:

'sorry.'
everything is miniature
dating advert
science fiction story
you and Helena
I AM HAVING A NICE TIME (a 'choose your own adventure')


novels:

untitled 'supermarket nightmare' novel
the man in the road


other:

the cat boat
selections from my twitter account
Knut Hamsun article

interview #11

interview with SALLY COOK

please describe an 'online interactive elderly cat'.

janet has a realistic pink mob cap hiding untold delights: double click to find out what's under janet's hat today! she has nice fur from a real tabby cat photoshopped on and then given a 'grey' tint. you can change your mouse pointer to a picture of a kindly hand and pet her fur. this makes janet purr. www.janetthecat.com

have you ever made up your own board game or anything? (what was it?)

not really but we used to 'make up' ouija boards in my form room in school lunchtimes. does this count? it always worked, i remember being surprised at how easy it is to contact the dead. If I did make up a proper board game I imagine it would be something like 'game of life'.

what is the very best thing about the online game 'Second Life'?

"that it keeps the kind of people who enjoy playing it off the streets?" I don't know - isn't it just like the 'game of life' but on a computer?

how can i cure the mold in my bathroom? (it's all over the ceiling. i cleaned it off once and it came back again.)

molds are simple, microscopic organisms present virtually everywhere. they are in the air around us all the time every day. they can cause negative health effects like mood swings and memory impairment. In the bible, god spoke to moses about greenish mold in the home (Leveticus 14:33-40) so it's a problem that has been plaguing mankind for a long time. wear eye and nose protection. scrub the entire area with hot water that is 10% household bleach. Allow to dry thoroughly. if this doesn't work: stop using your bathroom.

how are you feeling about the next No Point in Not Being Friends Night? (Tonight. 8pm. Deaf Institute. Manchester.)

I am worried about it. I seem to have an impossible amount of things to accomplish before then. my brain feels a bit floppy. I shouldn't be answering this quiz. I think that it will be alright on the night though. I like christmas.

interview #10

interview with PRATHNA LOR

please describe your favourite 'morning routine'.

my favourite 'morning routine' is not having one. i like waking up at, maybe, 11 or 12, and then going downstairs and practicing piano for two hours. then i might shower, brush my teeth, and shave. then practice for another two hours. i will probably eat around 4pm, "breakfast".

have you ever made up your own board game or anything? (what was it?)

probably. in elementary school. i don't remember anymore. it was probably intricate and geeky.

what is the best thing about playing the online interactive game 'Elderly Relative'?

i don't know what that is.

have you ever owned a cat?

no.

what is happening right now in your life?

absolutely nothing.

interview #9

interview with BRIAN CENTRONE

have you ever made up your own board game or anything?

Yes. Actually I have. When I was young I created a game that was played using a serving tray (breakfast in bed style) and Brazilian nuts - shell still on. The object was to knock the nuts off the tray using the "throwing" nut. It had rules and everything. I still might have the rules somewhere. I know I have the tray, but sadly, the nuts have gone on their way.

what is the best thing about living in your house?

I have all my stuff with me again.

please describe your 'favourite cat'.

Aloof, yet caring, with a hint of condescension and a wit to rival that of Caesar, Lincoln and Albus Dumbledore himself. What? Were you expecting fluffy with an affinity to purr when pet?

have you ever played the online interactive game 'Second Life'?

No, but I once attended an presentation on it for work. I ended up making a mockery of the presenter who claimed he did not have a 'Second Life' persona, but all evidence pointed to the contrary.

how can i cure the elderly relative in my bathroom?

The same way you cure mold: "Scrape then Paint" But don't forget to disinfect them first with something strong and very pungent such as bleach, white vinegar, or, (a personal favorite amongst the elderly) gin.

interview #8

interview with VALERIE O'RIORDAN

please describe an elderly cat.

The most elderly cat I've ever met was twenty-three years old, which is, I think, about seven million and two in people-years. I was only twenty at the time, so the cat had one up on me from the start and treated me with terrible disdain. He looked like a shrunken dinosaur with a knobbly arched back and very very long claws and quite pale grey-ish hair, and he lived in a little house-within-an-apartment that was like a little wendy-house for cats, and it said 'CAT HOUSE' on the front, which I thought was funny, though I kept that to myself. He was a very fussy eater and probably counts as the one of the two cats that wouldn't prefer Whiskas.

what is your 'morning routine'?

Mostly, in the mornings, I press the snooze button over and over until I know I'm definitely going to be late for work, and then I have to rush out the door without having any toast, and I cycle to work in a rage because I have to go to work when everybody knows the world would be a wonderful and shiny place if I could stay in bed indefinitely, and when I get there I make up some excuse for my lateness than involves traffic even though it's pointless since they know I cycle and anyway I'm carrying my helmet and look half-asleep and very disheveled. Then I make some toast in the canteen in their killer robot toast destoyer that usually sets the bread on fire, and then I bond with my colleagues over the horrors of flaming breakfasts and not being still in bed. That carries me through until about nine-thirty, usually.

have you ever made up a board game or anything? (what was it?)

I haven't made up a board game, but when I was in primary school my friend and I did invent a game called 'horses and dogs' which involved us pretending to be said creatures by making the appropriate noises and crawling around the upstairs corridor in my house, which was quite long with a handy little three-step staircase for leaping down, and generally getting involved in 'humourous scrapes' and being unwillingly assisted by my little sister who was forced to play the 'stable hand' and fetch us 'hay' and 'dog food' in the form of Penguin bars and salt-and-vinegar crisps. She doesn't really look back at the glory days and laugh like I do.

what is the best thing about the interactive online game 'Second Life'?

I haven't played it but it doesn't seem to have a patch on 'Horses and Dogs', which, now that I've made it public, will probably need immediate copyrighting.

how can i cure the mold on my bathroom ceiling?

I know this one! Paint thick bleach on the whole area, leave for a bit then scrub off, though if it's bad the paint might need stripping back too, and then for good measure, spray the whole area with one of those anti-mold sprays you get in Homebase. Then paint the area with Dulux's special moisture-proof paint. I had to also buy a dehumifier for my flat, the mold was so bad cause there was no ventilation... Then get the elderly cat to check on your work, since they get that old for a reason, and know all about all sorts, especially mold, and he'll keep it away with a feline Jedi-mind-trick-thing for a minimal charge and some cream. I have his number somewhere. He's a smooth old thing.

panic

i am feeling miniature panic.
i think it has something to do with The Bird Room coming out about a month from now.
i don't know.
possibly.
often i won't be aware of the thing i am panicking about, it will be somewhere subconscious, but if i was able to achieve a 'grand overview' of my life, i think it would be easy to reconise the thing being panicked about.
i don't feel like that sentence made a lot of sense.
i am listening to Belly at the moment.
it makes me feel like a fifteen year old girl, kind of.
i am hoping people will come to this MANCHESTER-BASED READING NIGHT ON THE 23RD (TOMORROW) WHICH IS FREE TO GET INTO AND STARTS AT 8PM.
Socrates emailed me a picture he drew yesterday. it is a representation of his feelings as he read The Bird Room:
i will be posting lots more interviews. i don't know whether to just post them all at once, or a few a day.
i think i am going to post a few a day as it saves me from having to think of anything else to post on here.
Crispin Best (see interview directly below) reciprocally interviewed me on his blog.

interview #7

interview with CRISPIN BEST

please describe yourself in the voice of a 'bratty' teenage American girl.

crispin? is that his name? crispin? chris pin? oh. god okay. well, basically not as hot as nick jonas? hang on. crispin? seriously? that's his real name? really? it's kind of cute i guess? i mean like i think redheads are ok and everything? but i don't think that crispin guy has mindblowing abs though? i mean and like also for example caitlin was talking to him and she said he seemed like kind of a jerk? hold on i just have to go to the bathroom a second.

please write something about the online interactive game 'Second Life'

i don't know much about second life. i saw this video and laughed a bit. when i think of 'second life' i imagine a guy with two separate families, one in the north of england and one in the south, and i admire him or something, because that's pretty crazy, guy, what you're doing there. maybe i think the online literary scene is like 'second life'. i think the online literary scene is like a virtual world with characters and 'objectives' and interaction. but like people can 'play' the online literary scene at work as well or whatever so some people are 'playing' the online literary scene for many, many hours every day. i feel like i want to 'play' too. it seems like there are many, many good people and good things in the online literary scene. it feels really good to get a story 'accepted' by a site that i like, i feel excited and relieved and good. when i am reading HTMLGIANT or something i feel 'immersed' in the online literary scene even though i am barely even an insignificant part of the thing as a whole. so i feel like 'second life' is really just an online literary scene for people who aren't really that into writing or something. absolutely.

what is your least-favourite novel and why?

i mean. books that refuse to do jokes, i guess. i think the world is very funny and sad. so i think people like to chuckle. i like to chuckle. it's a good feeling to chuckle while you're reading, it's very unexpected and nice and personal. the two books i read that i don't think had a single laugh in are both by joseph conrad: 'heart of darkness' and 'the shadow line'. i think out of all the books i've ever read, i've had the least fun reading those joseph conrad books.

who would win in a fight between you and your boss at work?

i work nights at the bookshop waterstone's at the moment. my boss is a stout woman in her mid-30s. i am maybe stronger than her. she could definitely use cunning to defeat me. she often appears from nowhere behind me. i can imagine her sneaking up, then it's a blur, then i imagine her sitting on my chest, slamming my head into the ground. she would have those 'new labour new danger' tony blair eyes. um. i think while i was unconscious she would tie me up with packing tape and cover my mouth hole and nose holes with 3 for 2 stickers. i am very afraid of her. she is a frightening thing.

how can i cure the mold on my bathroom ceiling (it keeps coming back)?

my methods in order of preference:

1. hammers
2. witchdoctor
3. paint
4. pin poster of chaka demus and pliers on offending ceiling
5. dynamite
6. get cat
7. high, regular dose of uranium radiation
8. move house
9. close eyes while showering
10. much, much calpol

interview #6

interview with MARTIN HIGGINS

who would win in a fight between a cat and a chicken?

The cat, but it would be a hollow victory. In our own way we all fight chickens and it never seems to help.

who would win in a fight between a cat and a 6-year-old boy?

I think the cat would put up quite a fight and the ensuing battle would be nothing less than scintillating. I would (and have) pay (paid) to see this (er...this). Eventually though, the furious intensity of the child's attack would overcome the cat and it would soon find it's head forced up its own bum. I'm sure you'll agree that this is a grisly yet erotic image.

who would win in a fight between Mel Gibson and the man from the Ronseal Woodstain advert?

SURELY this has happened already? It seems like such a good idea. Intially Gibson would appear the obvious choice due to his career as an ignorant, drunken action man actor (or mactor as they are known in the business), but this is all a front. He is in fact made almost entirely of scrunched up wrapping paper and ribbons. Ever the crafty tactician, Ronseal man would use this to his advantage and go silly on El Mel.He would take the fight to his lair located high atop his garage.From there he would use his brutally simplistic advertising skills to shout Gibson into submission.

who would win in a fight between you and your boss at work?

Ahhhh, The Ruck In The Truck, The Fight In The Night, The Scuffle In The Truffle, erm, Me Fighting My Boss. My boss is consideralbly older than me and, although bigger than me, he has sustained several footballing injuries which I could use these to take him down like Jason Bourne. I would kick out his dodgy leg then, when he's down, pound his face with the big hole-punch until it looks more like an uncooked burger (this wouldn't take long as he already resembles mince beef as it is). At this point I would break for lunch and take a whole EXTRA HALF HOUR. I would then come back and decapitate him using only the rickety old filing cabinet and the patience of a professional needle threader.

Things aren't going well at work.

how can i cure the mold on my bathroom ceiling (it keeps coming back)?

Hmmm, have you tried putting brown parcel tape over it? I do this with anything that offends me in my flat. Perhaps put up a poster of Bill Cosby over the mold and transform a bathroom eyesore into a warm, smile inducing shrine to a childhood icon. Use a hairdryer to dry the damp?

interview #5

interview with SARA CROWLEY

what did you do yesterday?

This will be a boring list of some of the things that I did, none of which are interesting:

Made breakfast for my twins, made their packed lunches, took them to school.

Ate breakfast, drank coffee, put washing on.

Read emails, played Pathwords, sent a couple of story subs out.

Wrote christmas cards, spoke to my best friend for ages on the phone.

Tried to edit an old story.

Picked boys up from school. Last day of term, Christmas holidays now, they were excited. I tried not to be gloomy hater of Christmas.

Cooked boys dinner whilst speaking to best friend on phone again (she was having a crisis.)

Cuddled my boys.

Broke up a fight between my boys.

Drank wine whilst my husband told me how shitty his day was.

Watched Heroes whilst eating delicious chicken curry made by my husband.

Bitched on facebook chat with Jo. She made me laugh.

Went to sleep.

what are your thoughts on the online interactive game 'Second Life'?

I don't have any thoughts about it at all.

please describe yourself in the voice of a 'bratty' teenage American girl.

Impossible. I don't know what that would sound like.

Erm...

"She's sooo fat, it's gross. And she's like stuck in some 80's goth timewarp or something. Bitch thinks she's fierce, but she's as intense as jello."

Embarrassing.

who would win in a fight between your boss at work and Bill Gates from Microsoft?

My boss would triumph. She is an older woman, with an ex-schoolteacher's stare. One look and he'd keel over.

how can i cure the mold on my bathroom ceiling (it keeps coming back)?

I would think Dettol Mould and Mildew Remover would possibly work? It sorted my bath grouting... http://www.dettol.co.uk/sf_bathrooms.shtml#mmr

interview #4

interview with AN UNRELIABLE WITNESS

please write a very short review of the last book you read without saying the title or the author.

I love the smell of hardback books between ten o'clock at night and dawn, particularly when they're inhabited by dreamers and somebody sleeping off a severe case of social alienation. I wasn't so convinced by the sinister person hiding in the television. Or the Hall & Oates soundtrack.

who would win in a fight between the author of the last book you read and your boss at work?

A difficult choice, but a potentially fascinating non-celebrity deathmatch. My boss is blind, but owns a fearsome guide dog. The author listens to too much jazz for my liking, but this might distract him enough that he wouldn't notice the labrador about to leap for his neck with its teeth bared. So I'm going for my boss, with the assistance of his mobility aid. I don't care, really, just as long as I can stand in the corner holding their coats and screech like a big girl's blouse. "Leave him! He's not worth it! But knee him in the groin first!"

please describe your 'favourite cat'.

Saggy. Made of cloth. Has a plummy voice. Emily loves him. I love him too, because he doesn't need to write what he imagines, but can simply think about it in clouds above his head. He's very good company on Sunday morning over a croissant, coffee and cheese.

have you ever played the online interactive game 'Second Life'?

Twice. It scared the pants off me, because I had an all too believable glimpse of the future in which I became like the couple from Cornwall who divorced each other because he was chatting up members of the opposite sex in pixel form. I have enough reasons to stay indoors and avoid social interaction; I don't need any more.

how can i cure the mold on my bathroom ceiling (it keeps coming back)?

Don't cure. Accept it. Let it grow, spread, infect the whole ceiling. It will provide hours of fascination whilst you lie in the bath, seeing shapes forming in the mould. The silhouette of Bruce Forsyth here, the outline of the Indian subcontinent there. When the stench becomes unbearable, and you're sitting in green, fetid water wearing a gas mask in order to help yourself breathe, do a moonlight flit from your home without telling the landlord. There.

interview #3

interview with ALICIA PERNELL


why did you choose the name 'Alicia Pernell'? (what does it mean?)


My full name is Alicia Deanna Pernell. I didn't really have any say as to what I would be called for the rest of my life when my parents put the name on my birth certificate.
Alicia means noble or truth. Deanna means divine or judgment. Pernell is a variant of Parnell which is from the medieval female personal name Peronel, Pernel, Parnell, a vernacular form of Latin Petronilla. This is a diminutive of Petronia, feminine of Petronius, a Roman family name of uncertain etymology. It was borne by an early Roman martyr about whom little is known.
I think this says a lot about who I am and who will be years from now.

please describe an elderly family member.

My great grandmother, Clytee Pernell is the oldest living member of my family. She has broken her hip at least twice while climbing the steps to her small house near cotton and soybean fields. I don't see her often, but when I do she asks me if I'm enjoying my work and I always lie and tell her that it's going great. She also asks me if I feel safe sleeping at night in my home. I don't live in a bad part of town and their hasn't been any reported criminal activity that I can remember, so I'm not sure why she asks me that question. She once said to me "I'll live 'till I die" after telling me about cataract surgery that she had undergone recently.

what is the best thing about the online interactive game 'Second Life'?

I've never played the online interactive game Second Life, but there was a wonderful and mysterious fog on the river and throughout my town earlier this week.

please describe some of the things in your kitchen, in a 'touching' and 'sentimental' way.

I remember stumbling across a listing on etsy.com for a hanging mobile of blue Moravian stars several months ago and thinking "this is what I need in my house." I purchased the mobile and one other with multi-colored stars for my son's bedroom. When they arrived in the mail, each one was packaged in a gift box with brightly colored tissue paper and I took them to work to show everyone and I took them to my parents' house to show my mother. The mobile hangs above my dining table so I can look at them while I'm eating or work in the kitchen.

how can i get rid of the mold in my bathroom (it keeps coming back)?

• Squeegee the shower walls after showering or wipe down the walls with a towel or sponge.
• Spread out the shower curtain. Use a small fan to quickly dry the shower or tub area.
• Leave a light on in the shower to discourage mold.

interview #2

interview with MATTHEW DEBENEDICTIS

please guide me through your 'morning routine'.

Look at the clock on the phone. Look at the alarm clock. Sometimes the clocks differ and I need to correct them or I end up out of step for the entire day. Check and see if any dogs were rolled over and lost life during sleep, this is a fear of mine. E-mail is then checked through my phone while the dogs try to convince me through dog like ways that I need to leave the bed. Eventually I do leave the bed. All three dogs get walked around the block and are fed. Usually during this whole process I am checking blogs and rants on the web using my phone. I then drink a soda while my coffee is brewing. I cannot wait for caffeine. I need it right away. From this point each day is different and to try and summarize it from here on would not give each day's character the respect it deserves.

what is the best thing you have ever done in the morning (before 11am)?

The best thing I ever did before 11am is also one of the times I was called an "asshole" and I could not refute the claim. I know you live in England so I don't know how getting legal things done for your car over there is, but in the US when you need to go to The Department of Motor Vehicles for paper work or a new licensee your day is shot and left utterly dead; you don't even think of getting anything else done because you will spend the entire day waiting in lines while getting told you need to be in another line. Of course the lines can be avoided if you wake up at the time strippers go to sleep, which I did one day in 2001. I had two large items to get processed at the DMV: Getting a new licensee, and new plates for a van I had bought. Well I did accomplish this feet before 11am by getting to the DMV when they opened, but I also nearly started a fight before leaving. As I had gotten all that I needed in order not to get hefty fines next time I got pulled over I stopped to look at the TV that was mounted and playing in the waiting area. On the TV was a news image of a giant city building on fire, looking to be in its prep to fall down. My first reaction to such an image was the news was playing rerun footage from the Timothy McVeigh bombing in Oklahoma, which was getting lots of news time again because McVeigh had just been executed a few months prior and for some reason every news station kept doing stories about him. Without looking to see if the news actually had that Breaking News tag on it I yelled out, "Can we please change the station? No one gives a shit." A few mouths were open and directed at me in a horrific manner. Someone yelled "asshole" from behind the DMV counter so I looked at the TV again wondering why all the care, why are people more uptight this morning than any other, as well as why were two begining to walk over to me with let's fight looks. By this time the banner on the news show had changed to America Under Attack so it was all making sense then, I was an asshole.

have you ever played the online interactive game 'Second Life'?

I have not. I have seen it played a few times and it baffles me. Why would I want to play a game where the only way to have compounded fun is to spend more money? That is the issue I have in first life, my life. I prefer zombie games as they prepare my reflexes for the apocalypse and the shit could really happen.

please describe an elderly family member.

Skin like toothpaste dried up on the counter of the sink, but like it in feel not look. No one in my family has bright blue skin with sparkles in it.

how can i cure the mold on my bathroom ceiling (it keeps coming back)?

Cat piss. If you google and go through enough pages you will find cat piss cures many things, so I can only come to a conclusion that cat piss will kill mold. I had a mold problem once so I moved. Soon I'll be thirty and it won't be socially acceptable to do such hasty things for a small problem.

interview #1

interview with XTX

have you ever played the online interactive game 'Second Life'?

Funny you ask this. I play this game every day. I, however, have the 'expansion pack' where I have no need to log on through any electronic interface. I am playing now. Look! There goes a flying squirrel in battle armor shooting lasers at a man with tires for feet. So exciting.

what is the best thing about the online interactive game 'Second Life'?

Hands down, the sex. My avatar has four vaginas and multiple breasts. I am very popular on Second Life. Especially at the Medievel grocery store.

what is the worst thing about the online interactive game 'Second Life'?

The husbands. They like to tell you what to do, and what not to do. Recently, there was a wooden shelf that broke off the wall and fell to the floor making items on the shelf scatter and break. "What did you do to that shelf?" he asks me. "Nothing." I say. "Pick that shit up. Now." he says, and I do it or else.

if you had unlimited money (Linden Dollars) in the online interactive game 'Second Life', what would you do?

I would spend it on coffees and Reeses Peanut Butter Cups and a new treadmill. But if the money was unlimited, I guess I could spend it on buying Johnny Depp or at least renting him.

how can i cure the mold on my bathroom ceiling (it keeps coming back)?

I cannot help you here. I have bathroom mold of my own. It attaches to the drywall where the wallpaper has ripped away. I scrape it off with my fingernails and it looks good for a week and then it's dark gray again. I think I am slowly poisoning myself to death. If you find a solution, please let me know. I am useless.

"describe an elderly family member"

i emailed five or six people their interviews (see post below).

i am a very bad interviewer.

i have faith in my interviewees.

i need to cure the mold on my bathroom ceiling somehow.

someone wrote a nice article about this blog.

interviews

i am going to start interviewing people on here.

you don't have to have 'done anything' to be interviewed.

you don't need to have a blog or anything.

if you would like to be interviewed, please email me saying 'i would like to be interviewed' and i will email you four or five 'half-assed' questions, and then post the interview on here.

it will be fun, maybe.

also, tomorrow is the closing date for the Bookgeeks Bird Room Reading Group Giveaway if you live in the UK. they are giving away 10 copies, a few weeks before publication. (i imagine there are probably still 9-10 copies 'up for grabs'.)

launch party for FLESH FEAST: THE HUMAN BRAIN

my friend Socrates came round yesterday and we printed out his chapbook 'Flesh Feast: The Human Brain'.


it looks really good. it has little pictures and torn edges.


in the evening was the 'launch party'. Socrates read from 'Flesh Feast: The Human Brain'.


we bought balloons and cheese and vodka. four people attended the launch party.

i really like this chapbook. it's now available for free, limited to 50 copies, you just need to email Socrates with your address.

also, i am helping contribute to this SELF HELP WEBSITE now.

review of GREAT

i received a contributor copy of GREAT -- a magazine edited by Brandon Scott Gorrell and Chelsea Martin -- in the post yesterday. it has chapter five of 'Paul Simon' in it.


i'd seen some pictures of the magazine online already, on Brandon's blog i think, but was still 'wowed' by it once i was holding it in my hands. there are a few colour pages. there's a really good balance between the writing and art. each page is designed differently, but with an overall 'aesthetic' running through it, i think.

my favourite part was the 'editor's notes' at the back. Brandon and Chelsea have a page each. in fact, the whole magazine kind of feels like a conversation between them -- like a string of emails from two people in different cities saying things like 'have you read this person, they're really funny' and 'have you seen art by this person; what do you think? i really like it'.

i felt like i was being 'let in' on something private, maybe, i don't know. not that it felt voyeuristic exactly, just that the personalities of the editors really came across for me.

i read the whole thing quite quickly, but i know there are pieces i will be going back to again. i really liked the art, too. for instance, i stared at a picture called 'Heart of Glass' by Michael Bilsborough for approximately ten minutes, thinking 'what is this? what's going on here?' (in a good way).

GREAT has a nice balance, i thought, between writers i'd come across before by clicking links on litmags, blogs, etc., and writers and artists i'd not heard of and now want to read more of.

i liked it a lot.

highly recommended.

early review of The Bird Room:

The Bird Room has had it's first proper review: three stars

if that hasn't put you off, the website bookgeeks are doing a 'virtual reading group' and you can maybe sign up to get a free copy.

forthcoming internet cartoon, plus links

my friend Tim Russell is writing a blog about 'The X-Factor'. this week is 'Manchester bloggers week' on his blog. i went round to Tim's nice house with some other people and we sat and watched 'The X-Factor' and made notes and then typed them up and emailed them to him. Tim gave me an oven pizza.

Socrates' chapbook 'Flesh Feast: the Human Brain' is now available for pre-order. i think he is posting them for free. you just need to email him.

the Manchester-based magazine Transmission is having a Christmas-hamper-of-books giveaway thing if you buy any of their back issues. i have stuff in issues 9-12.

i wrote a short post about a live video of Okkervil River on barbed cat penis.

it is so cold in my flat that i am wearing a hat and jacket.

i've had some early responses to The Bird Room now -- from friends and from people in 'the industry' -- and the usual reaction is, 'I like it; it's not what I was expecting.' i am starting to panic that i am not giving off the 'right' impression on here, that this blog is somehow misrepresentational. i don't know. pointless whingeing. sorry.

i wrote 9,000 new words of my novel, yesterday and today. i feel like Blake Butler.