Wednesday, 7 January 2009

interview #13

interview with AIDEN CLARKSON

please describe an elderly relative in the voice of a 'bratty' teenage American girl.

I can't do this. i thought about it for a long time, and i tried out various different ideas in my head. i thought about my Grandad in his kitchen, and my Grandpa in his garden, and my Grandma's big glasses, and my Nan's obscenities.
I cannot do it.
I think it is very difficult to describe someone without being cruel to them. and i do not want to be cruel to my grandparents.
Fuck you Chris Killen for trying to make me describe my Grandparents.
like, totally like, fuck you? like, whatever, like Chris Killen?. Are you like a total Retard?
how does your own medicine taste Chris Killen? does your own medicine taste like, totally bitter?

what are your 'hopes and dreams'? (please answer using sentimental language and cliches)

My hopes are modest. i want to have enough money to live by the sea. i don't want to have to get a job. I want to write beautiful books and collections of poetry and short stories and things and i want people to read them and feel affected.
i am going to have to get a horrible job.
I want to meet a woman i fall in love with and stay in love with and it doesn't get ruined. i would love her with the entirity of my being.
I will win the noble literature prize. people will acknowledge that i am as talented, transgressive and visionary as William Burroughs, but with mass appeal. i will not shoot my wife in the face.
also, simultaneously, i want to live in london, where i will eat handfuls of drugs, drink bathfulls of alcohol, fuck unending amounts of women in incomprehensible ways and combinations, get thinner, get rich, become famous and have people write slightly awed articles about me and my drug drink and woman intake and my fiery and immediate prose style.
They will call me the UK's answer to Hunter Thompson. i will die of heroin.
My dreams happen when i am asleep. i enjoy them. sometimes i can control them. this is the best thing, especially when i am dreaming about fucking or fighting.
in my first year of university i think my occasional lucid dreams actually were the highlights of my life. i was not very happy at the time.

what is going on in your life right now?

right now it is Xmas eve. i am at my parent's house. i have a sore back and neck. and the rest of my body is sore as well. i am bored of going out in my hometown. i have what is known in some circles as Lover's Balls. i am frustrated because i have not fucked /been fucked recentley. i would say for around 10 or 12 days.
i am considering what to get for my next tattoo.
My sister gave birth to a baby boy on sunday. His name is Harry. Harry has made me into an uncle, my other sister into an aunt, and my parents into grandparents. Those are some impressive acheivements for a tiny little beautiful miniature person who has only been in the world for less than a week. Good going Harry, you are a little champion.
What else....
i have been doing some writing. i have been doing more writing recentley. i think it is because i am single again. i was going out with an incredible woman. But it did not work out. So now i have a lot more time on my hands. so i am writing more.
You asking me to read at No point....5 really enthused me.
i am meant to be writing my dissertation. i should write more dissertation.
i have been using the phrase "You lucky goose!" quite a lot recentley. i have got a lot of beard at the moment.
I am hungry. i drank a lot last night. i danced badly. i think i kissed one girl. on the lips, but with no tongue. i remember last night i went to the bar and i ordered a pint and a shot of whiskey and a vodka and coke and i poured the shot of whiskey into the pint, drank the vodka and coke in four mouthfulls and then went for a piss in the toilet and stood there with the pint with the whiskey in it in one hand and my cock in the other and when i was pissing i could feel other peoples piss soaking into my socks through the holes in the shoes i got for free because my housemate's brother left them in the front room of our shared house in manchester.

do you own a watch?

nope. i have a nice watch somewhere.
i used to wear a watch to school.
but i have a preternatural ability to break watches. they loathe me. they kill themsleves just to get off my wrist.
i don't like them. they catch on things.
they make my wrist too heavy.
they annoy my skin.
i hate watches.

please write something about something you like or dislike or feel ambivalent towards.

i am very strongly in favour of insulting people. not insulting complete strangers (although i have done that, and it has a certain guilty thrill about it). Insulting people you know. i think it keeps the intellect sharp. there is nothing better than having friends who you can say horrible horrible things to, and know that your friendship is so strong that it doesn't matter. it becomes a game. You can win with a sudden and unexpected outburst. call them a Mongoloid Nazi. Call them Daddyfucker. or you can win if you create a very long and detailed hypothetical scenario in which you violentley rape them.
i find it helps to act it out.
get physical.
(but not to the point of actually raping them)
It's childish, but beautiful. prurient insults both require and aid the development of a rich vocabulary. And they help you discover your own voice. my insults tend towards sexually explicit (and often sexually violent) non-sequiters. maybe yours will be more scatological? who knows.

i have a casual lover. she told me i laughed like a rapist, and it made me self concious EVERY TIME I LAUGHED from then on. i have only just got over it. She's incredibley talented at being insulting.
she sent me a text today saying i had a face like a diseased gash.
she is winning on points.
I will have to kick her dish in next time i see her.


Ryan W. Bradley said...

the last answer made me nostaligic for my undergrad days of sitting around with friends drinking and hurling insults at one another.

Aiden Clarkson said...

thank you Chris Killen for giving me an opportunity to talk about myself. i will give you 10% of any earnings accrued.